Seniors, suicide and a sense of hopelessness

Seniors, suicide and a sense of hopelessness

by | Jul 31, 2020 | Depression, Faith, grief, mental health, Relationships, self-care, Suicide

Seniors and suicide

According to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, “seniors make up 12% of our population but are 18% of all suicide deaths”. This study was created pre-covid. And while the statistics are yet to be available, I would expect these numbers will rise drastically as our oldest community members continue to live in isolation.

In the state of Nebraska, suicide is the 7th leading cause of death for ages 55-64 and the 18th leading cause of death for those over 65 (Suicide Facts and Figures, Nebraska 2020). Additionally, Census.gov reports that 14% of Nebraska residents are seniors and 30% of them are living alone. That leaves a high percentage of that 70% residing in long term care or assisted living facilities. And due to Covid 19, the majority of those facilities are on lockdown.

What Lockdown Looks like

If you have ever been to a senior community, you know that community is the key word. We expect a sense of community, interaction and activity. Now due to Covid 19,  you are often met with a stifling silence. The new normal upon entering a facility is:

  1. Document on a questionnaire your current symptoms.
  2. Take your temperature and record it.
  3. Don a mask.

And this is just for those who are able to enter. Since March of 2020, essential workers are the only people who are permitted into these facilities.

Staff suffers too

I’ll be honest as my heart hurts for the administrators and staff. They are in these positions out of true love and respect for the people they work. They are taking this personally and are going above and beyond to be more on on the floor and interacting with the residents.

However, that doesn’t take the place of family visitation. In many cases, our seniors are quarantined in their rooms, looking at the same four walls daily. Visitation with family is done through a window, each placing their hands on the respective side while hiding the tears that are forming. Phone calls have taken the place of physically hearing a loved one’s voice. And hugs are no longer allowed.

During quarantine communal meals have been deemed unsafe, so they  miss their dinner companions. There are no more Bingo tournaments or community sing alongs. They can’t meet a friend and work on a puzzle together, nor can they do group crafts. The lack of connecting with others can lead a normally “emotionally healthy” person into situational depression.

What Depression Looks like

Depression looks differently in an aging loved one. As many of our seniors also suffer from memory loss and/or dementia, they truly have no understanding of their current situation. This creates additional stressors on both the individual resident and the staff.

A person who once enjoyed activities may now show no interest in t hose activities. They may refuse to color, put together a puzzle or or even participate in physical therapy. Their appetite begins to decline and there is little interest in a favored dessert. A once smiling person may become tearful and express a loss of hope and/or a desire to not go on.

While they may not have a plan to end their life, their overall hopelessness has taken over any shred of their current situation changing. As the time slips by, so does their physical and emotional strength. They present as angry, withdrawn, and are failing to thrive.

What you can do

Realize the effect that Covid 19 is having on this lost population.

  • Recognize a change in bevior in a loved one and report it to their respective caregivers. Don’t minimize the overall impact of this pandemic.
  • Be honest when talking with your family member and acknowledge how hard this is. Often we try to protect or fragile family members and they may misinterpret your apathy as a disregard for their situation.
  • Make an effort to communicate. Make the call, send the letter or the text. Let them know you are thinking of them.
  • Send them a care package of their favorite items. Many who are used to doing their own shopping are now unable to do so and are missing having the things they love around them.
  • Send notes, cards and drawing to a local facility and let them know the outside world cares.

Recognize that your loved one is grieving. They are grieving the life they once lived. Yes, it is hard to be around them when they are feeling so hopeless. This is about providing hope in an unprecedented time to someone who desperately needs a thread of hope to cling to. And for the unknown future, this is our new normal.

Thoughts? Share with us your experiences with this situation. Email me at:cindijjeffrey@gmail.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Circle of Life… in real life

The Circle of Life… in real life

by | Jun 11, 2020 | Faith, Fear, grief, Inspiration, mom, parenting, positive, Relationships, self-care

The Lion King

Remember watching the movie and listen to the song, “The Circle of Life” and the celebration that ensued with the birth of the baby? And who didn’t cry with Simba’s father died? I know I am a bawling mess every time I watch that show. there is a part of me that wishes real life was more like cartoons though, as they seem to quickly move through those tough emotions.

In real life, those emotions don’t move that quickly. They ebb and flow, allowing us to feel focused one moment and utterly drowning the next. believe me, I understand why Simba disappeared into the unknown to be alone and refused to come back to what he knew.  There are so many emotions vying for control. Guilt, grief, anger, sadness, joy and then they all start to mess together until we are not sure what we feel anymore.

Real life

Four years ago we unexpectedly lost my brother. I am still grieving and sometimes that hurt hits as and feels as though I have been gut punched. In the time following, our family lost a well loved minister, two beloved uncles and my mother’s partner. Last year my mom passed. Additionally, my immediate family lost two loving dogs, which also sucked.

For four years, I have been on the fuckin roller coaster of living and loving and crying and grieving. There have been times where I have been truly paralyzed by grief and there have been other times where my motivation to live was overpowering.

Grief doesn’t come with a handbook (ok, maybe a guidebook)…but one size does not fit all. For me, as I struggled, being a mom was my foremost goal and I while I wanted to keep a sense of security for my kids, I knew there were days that I just wasn’t present. Putting a smile on my face while talking to my loved ones about their own losses was so terribly hard. Keeping the consistency of a somewhat schedule and getting the kids where they needed to go kept me focused for short periods of time.

Anniversaries Suck

June has some tough anniversaries for my family. First my brother and more recently, we had our mom’s first anniversary of her death. Sometimes I think the anticipation of the anniversary can be worse than going through the day itself. Honestly, I suck at remembering anniversaries but my mind and body seem to know what’s going on, even when I don’t.

The best unsolicited advice I can give anyone reading this is the following. “be gentle with yourself”. Grief can come in like a fricken hurricane, go into a wave pool and return to a level five storm before we even know what we are dealing with. I now there were so many times I was figuratively getting ready to dip a toe into the water and BOOM, I was fricken sinking into the deep end.

It’s time to live

I know one thing. My brother would be irritated with me for not stepping up and taking life by the wings. He was a live in the moment type of guy and I remember him always falling asleep in his recliner because he ran himself ragged. While my mom’s body just wore out. She never recovered from the death of my brother, and especially the death of her other half, Ray.

She was done and her body was done. Thus the circle of life was complete.

Both of them taught me that life is meant to live. So challenge yourself today to take a new route. Step out of your comfort zone. Share those compliments you keep in your head. After all, sometimes tomorrow never comes…and what will your legacy be?

 

 

 

 

 

I understand. No, you really don’t…

I understand. No, you really don’t…

by | Jul 16, 2019 | Faith, Fear, grief, Inspiration, Relationships, rest, self-care, Wellness

I understand

Actually, you don’t. I understand are two words that I fucking hate to hear someone say to me. Don’t get me wrong, I truly believe those words are said with love and compassion. But let’s get something straight…You Don’t Understand. And to be honest, I don’t understand what you are going through either.

I understand is something we say when we don’t know what else to say. It is something to fill in the uncomfortable silence when we get too close to someone else’s tragic circumstances. Too often, we say “I understand” when we have similar experiences and want to let other’s know they aren’t alone.

Experiences

Your experiences shape your understanding. Considering this, there are no two people in the world who will experience the same event in the exact same way. This is one reason that law enforcement doesn’t give too much credibility to witness statements. If ten people are interviewed about an incident, all ten statements will differ in some aspect. People focus on events based on who they are. Smells, sights, sounds, and even tastes may change based upon who is experiencing them.

And if an experience induces a feeling of trauma, all bets are off. Emotions will dull your senses as your fight or flight kicks in and you will be in survival mode. Many times when a loved one passes away, those left behind are blinded by their own pain. They forget there are others hurting and often personalize the behavior of their family and friends. Everything becomes about them and words and actions are often miscommunicated. Thus the reason that many families drift away after the loss of a beloved matriarch or patriarch…it appears that everyone feels slighted by others. Unfortunately, this is not the intent, it is the by-product of grief.

How to help a friend who is grieving

When I lost my brother, it was devastating. He was my rock and the one who was supposed to outlive us all. I had no idea how many people I knew had lost a sibling and when they began reaching out, I realized I wasn’t alone. Were our experiences the same? No. However, we all became part of a club that none of us wanted to belong to and we realized we were not alone. We could bond over the loss and share our experiences, both positive and negative.

For me, some of the kindest things others have done is to just be there. I have one friend who knows that I hide away when I am struggling and she leaves messages for me, knowing I will call back when I am ready. I have other friends who often ask how I am doing and they call me out on my bullshit when I tell them I am ok.

I often joke that as a social worker, I suck at my own emotions. Truthfully, I am more comfortable with helping others, which are totally forms of denial and avoidance. So just let me know you are here. Let me ramble. Listen as I tell stories. Empathize with my situation, just please don’t tell me that you understand.

What helped me

I love the book “It’s Not Supposed to be This Way” by Lisa TerKeurst. It resonated with me. For so long, I have been stuck within my grief. Within a short time frame, many influential people in my life passed away and each one left a feeling of emptiness. However, as I explain to my children, this is the circle of life and as hard as it is to understand, it means we felt deep love. That is a blessing for I cannot imagine living life without love.

Prayer. I believe in the power of prayer. I have seen God work through people and I know He is with us. Furthermore, I believe we will once again be reunited with our loved ones. 

Being honest about how I am feeling. This is a kicker for me because as I mentioned, I suck at this. There have been times in the past few years that I have been treading water…simply treading. And occasionally I find myself back in that same place. I expend energy but I don’t move forward.

 

 

Embracing 50: age is just an illusion

Embracing 50: age is just an illusion

by | Feb 1, 2019 | Dreams, Faith, Fitness, Inspiration, mom, motivation, parenting, Relationships, self-care, Wellness

 

Age is an illusion

Or is it? As a freshman in high school, I thought the seniors were old…and by seniors, I meant the 17 and 18-year-olds!   I would panic when a senior even looked at me and my young self, as the age of 18 was technically an adult! Furthermore, someone in their 20’s was fricken ancient, which made anyone near 50 a senior citizen!  Needless to say, back then, I  was also that woman who was not going to get married, nor was I going to have children. I was going to complete my Ph.D. and take care of the world.

Ah, best-laid plans, right?

My 20’s

This decade was an extension of my teens, albeit while attending college. Looking back, I can’t imagine how I would have prospered if I had actually studied more and partied less. I honestly don’t know where the energy came from, as all I did was worked, studied and went out. Repeat. And repeat again.

The transition to adult employment was less tragic than I would have imagined. It turns out I was pretty good at what I went to school for (who would have thought). And amazingly, I could live easily it up at night and work all day! I moved into my first apartment, purchased a pack of smokes and a six pack and consumed both while sitting in front of my giangantuaous platform tv watching Beverly Hills 90210 (I didn’t smoke, just like the independence). Suddenly, I was a somewhat self-respecting grownup who paid my own bills and was fast realizing that there was more to the world than going out and being social.

My 30’s

As my friends began to settle down, I was still in denial that settling down was for me. I surrounded myself with others who loved to live life to the fullest and enjoy the world. I worked, worked out (less as I began to work more) and went out.  It was during one of those nights out that I picked up the phone and left a message for a long lost crush of mine (yes, it was one of THOSE calls). We all have that “one” that never leaves our mind or our heart. And after dating on and off since we were 16, we made the decision to move forward…together.

This was a challenge for this wild and independent girl. Now I was sharing a bathroom with a boy!  lol And we were making plans for a future…together (gasp)! Thank the Lord that he was patient and understanding because anyone who knows me also understands that I am not the easiest person to be around.

We got a puppy…together…it was the ultimate commitment in my book. That is until he proposed.

My Mid 30’s

Chad and I were married at the same time that some of our friends were getting divorced. It always seemed as though I was in a different life stage than those around me, which was probably true, since I was the one to do things my way. About the time that Chad was settling into his profession, I decided to go to graduate school, still thinking I would pursue my Ph.D. I did get my Master’s; however, I stopped there, as our priorities changed when we had our first son at the age of 39.

For the midwest, 39 is really pretty old to be having a baby. So not only did we endure the whole “Advanced maternal age” comments within my chart, my body was pretty shocked at what I was asking it to do.  This pregnancy knocked me on my ass and bedrest soon took me out of the world, but it was all worth it.

And this woman who wasn’t going to have kids? She became a stay at home mom.

The 40’s

So, if 39 is old to have a baby, our prayers were answered when we had our second son at 40. Truth be told, this decade is a blur. Two babies, four dogs, three moves to two different states and three different homes. Multiple surgeries, multiple injuries, hormone changes, weight changes…blah, blah, blah.

My 40’s were dedicated to my failing body and raising my boys. For someone who was never going to have a family, I can’t imagine my life any other way. I don’t believe we have kids to teach them the ways of the world, I believe we are given children so they can teach us. Watching the world through my children’s eyes is simultaneously amazing and terrifying. These boys reminded me there is more to the world than what I was focusing on, and thank God for that.

This is 50

50 is a time of rebirth for me. The boys are getting older and more active, just like their mom. 50 is when I give myself permission to be selfish and focus on me. It’s time to get back to basics by making my wellness a priority and learning to say no to what doesn’t feel good. It’s a time of discovery and soul searching. If you need help on this journey, please see this previous blog post I wrote.

For me, it’s a time for reflection and asking God where He wants me. After seeing so many of my family members and friends leave too soon, I vow to never take a birthday for granted. Where I used to cry on my birthdays, now I embrace the opportunity for another day with my loved ones. So, thank you, Lord, for your work in me.  I am excited to see where you lead me next as I step out of my comfort zones. After all, God has never left me through this adventure and I trust He knows the next chapter of my story.

I just need to stop trying to take control of the journey.

 

 

How to cheat Success and make it about YOU!

How to cheat Success and make it about YOU!

by | Jul 2, 2017 | Business owner, Dreams, Faith, Fear, motivation, self-care

I am success. Not successful, rather, a success.

Isn’t that a bold statement?  How dare I put myself out there as being a success? After all, who am I to say that I am more of a success than you are? ME. Seriously, just ME. I am me and I alone know the challenges I have overcome. Click To Tweet I can choose to dwell on them or I can learn from those obstacles and make different choices in the here and now.

Success defined

Let’s talk about the word success.

Dictionary.com defines success as “the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors; the accomplishment of one’s goals”.  If I honestly look back on my life and the goals I have achieved, I definitely meet the definition of success.  After all, I graduated from high school.  Trust me that was a success for being the person who rarely attended and dropped every class possible in order to have more time to “hang out”. Shoot, I even went on to attend college and graduate from grad school.

I think where we get caught up on whether we are successful or not may depend upon how competitive we are.  Stay with me here as I explain.  For example, if you neighbor purchases a brand new car and you are green with envy and berate yourself for not being able to afford that car, you may feel as though your neighbor is more of a success than you.

How do you know that said neighbor isn’t looking at your lawn and steaming with rage because his lawn looks so neglected next to yours?  Perhaps he wonders how you are such a success with your landscaping.  You have heard the expression “the grass is greener on the other side” and this is a perfect example of where that came from.  You may be thinking your neighbor has money to waste while he is wishing he had more time to work on his lawn.

Perspective

Here is another cliché…”life isn’t always as you see it”.  We all view our world through our experiences and our own perception of reality.  Here is also where we need to be careful because our perceived reality may be far from the actual experiences of others.  A little friendly competition is good for the soul; however downright jealousy and lusting for something someone else has is self-deceiving as well as self-defeating.

It’s easy to sit back and wallow in self-pity because we are not where we want to be in our life.  Here is some free advice.  STOP BEING A VICTIM!  You are the result of your experiences; however, it is up to you to change your life.

Self-Growth

I am a huge fan of Jen Sincero and I love her forthright honesty in her books (I may also have a little girl crush on her, so bear with me as I proclaim her greatness).  She is no nonsense and has lived through her own decades of doubt and self-destruction.  However, in her book, You are a Badass at Making Money; she spends a great deal of time talking about how we sabotage ourselves when we compare our lives to the lives of others.  Ultimately, her message is simple.  To achieve success, you have to believe that you are success.  I won’t share more of her message, however, I can assure you, it is worth the read!

Self-growth, ongoing education and challenging yourself are all instrumental in moving forward.  Our brains fight hard to hold onto our old thoughts and behaviors and I have referred to these as “old tapes“.  It is only by challenging those thoughts and behaviors that we will ever leave our comfort zones.  One way of doing that is by following people you admire.  No, I don’t mean to literally follow them; I mean follow them on social media, read their books, and watch their podcasts.

Another way to practice self-growth is to practice affirmations.  Find something positive that you absolutely love and paste it everywhere!  Use is as your screensaver and phone screen!  Put it on your bathroom mirror in lipstick and use sticky notes to put those affirmations all over your house and car!  Keep repeating that affirmation and “fake it till you make it.”

Let Go

Part of being a success is letting go of anything that holds you back.  For many of us, this is difficult as we feel guilty for closing doors on relationships.  Imagine this.  You are not closing a door, you are no longer allowing a person to control you or have influence over you. That is different than denying the person your company.

As you move forward, others may become uncomfortable.  As you step out of your comfort zone, you will have to find others who share your same vision.  You are not leaving others behind as much as you are creating a circle of influence to reach your next level.  Don’t be selfish and do not be afraid to reach out.  The truth is, you most likely have something to offer those around you, even if you don’t believe it yet.

Unfortunately, we are typically the last person to see our gifts and believe in ourselves.  When someone compliments you, accept it and file it away in your brain for those moments you are second guessing every decision you make.  In conclusion, let go of the negativity and embrace your dreams.  At the end of the day, it is up to you to make those dreams a reality.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

STOP the MADNESS!

STOP the MADNESS!

by | Jun 12, 2017 | Business owner, Dreams, Faith, Fear, mom, motivation, self-care, Wellness, work from home mom, wraps

 

Stop and Madness!

Seriously, take a look through the internet and you will find pictures of every shape and size of people trying to tell you to buy their product in order to lose weight. I admit it, as an It Works Rep, I am continuously making suggestions to my friends about a product that will help them look or feel better.

Did you catch that? Look or Feel better.

Intellectually, I know that beauty comes from within. First and foremost, you have to give your body proper nourishment. As a result of proper nourishment, you can expect beautiful skin, healthy hair and strong nails. Proper nourishment can also help you maintain a healthy gut that will reduce bloating and keep you regular.

The right nutrients will assist you in keeping a strong immune system, and high energy level.  I believe in plant-based products, so when I have a friend who has a need, of course, I want to provide them with the top of the line supplements that will enhance their wellness. If I didn’t share what I believe to be amazing, what kind of friend would I be?

Who am I do decide who is worthy of these products and who isn’t?

Subjective

Beauty is also subjective. I put out a question the other day on my FB page asking what people thought was sexy. Ironically, the number one response was confidence Click To Tweet. It had little to do with physical attributes at all! So why on earth do we waste so much time worrying about our appearance?

Consider the impact that social media also brings.  We now have a new opportunity to compare ourselves with others. Unfortunately, we rarely know what photo is real and what has been altered. Therefore, unrealistic expectations continue to push us to a new level of frustration and negative thinking. Social media also offers an opportunity to participate in behind the scenes bashing.  We have all been there. Consider when we post a photo that we actually like of our self and someone says something derogatory. From that point on, the majority of us will remove that photo and begin to focus on the aforementioned negative area.

Stop the Madness

Just stop.

I tell myself this daily and honestly, there are days I tell myself that hourly. I am a woman. My body has given me babies. I have endured multiple surgeries and injuries. Yet, because of my physical appearance, I was reluctant to become an It Works Rep or a trainer at my gym. I was worried about how other people would perceive me and my products and services.

Honestly, that pisses me off. I am so irritated that I would allow my own self-perception to limit the impact I may have on others. Yet, I still get frustrated with myself when I am going to meet someone and I can’t find anything that looks “just right”.  I forget that five years ago I was undergoing major surgery that required extensive recovery. Or that 7 years ago I have just given birth.  My body has been through changes that apparently my mind has forgotten.

Embrace YOU

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to look your best. For instance, I LOVE my skin care line because it makes my skin look and feel fresh and glowing. However, globally, there is a sense of shame in wanting to do things to enhance our beauty. Seriously, what kind of crap is that? Why is it that we are shamed if we don’t look a certain way. When did it become the norm to be judged if we don’t fit into a certain size, and why are mocked for wanting to look and feel amazing?

I call bullshit.

Here is my advice.  Be comfortable in your skin. Enhance what make YOU stand out from the crowd. Let yourself be pampered. You work hard and you deserve some love too. Stop letting comparison steal your joy. When you continue to worry about your appearance, you lose out on the moments happening before your eyes. Stop the madness.

Moderation

Personally, I have vacillated between 115 and 175 my adult life. Could I be a size 5? Probably. However, I am NOT willing to give up the things I enjoy and revert back to skin and bones. As a mom, I don’t want my boys to see an unhealthy person who is always so worried about my appearance that I won’t share that delicious dessert with them.

I want them to see me as a determined woman who works hard at her businesses and who works out because I want to be strong. They have watched me use my wraps and understand them to be a skin care treatment (which they are). They see my passion for helping others and my focus on being healthy and strong.

So, my friends, mock away. I love when I see memes regarding no wraps, pills or gimmicks. I know what it takes to become stronger…it takes exercising and watching what you eat. Additionally, I know that many people need some help overcoming a plateau or to feel less guilty after a cheat meal. Honestly, I don’t care what you have to do to focus on your own wellness, just do something and believe you are worth it.

Because you are!