Parenting Moment Pause
At the age of ten, my child is such a character. He is funny, kind, and continuously makes us smile.
When I was ten, I was a fantastic student and a people pleaser, if not a tad bit of a brat. It was at this age that I learned that death is real. It was the summer heading into 5th grade when two of our neighborhood boys were killed in a motorcycle accident. To this day I remember where I was when I heard about it. I was with my best friend and we were babysitting her niece when her parents and aunt came and broke the news.
These friends were also her neighbors and the reality of what had happened was crushing. We would never be the same and our childhood innocence was shattered. Watching our friends parents grieve and watching the community come together to support them was incredibly overwhelming and our childhood minds didn’t realize these moments would stay with us forever.
I want to preserve that innocence in my ten year old for as long as possible. Has he experienced death? Yes. That’s unavoidable. However, as a parent, it is my job to also instill hope, love, and grace.
As I look at my oldest child, I see myself at that same age learning that families don’t always stay together. At 12, my parent’s divorced and life as we knew it was changing. Looking back at that situation as an adult, I see things so differently than I did as a child.
At 12, I took an amazing trip across the country with my brother and my father to celebrate my brother’s graduation. The memories are priceless and still make me smile. For example, crushing my brother at Circus Circus in Las Vegas and him accusing me of cheating ( it sucks when your little sister can kick your ass at the water guns).
Unfortunately, the return home was awful. First my dad moved out, then they traded spots and my mom left. Dad worked nights, so I went from having someone home with me constantly to coming home to an empty house and putting myself to bed. While my brother was there he was living his own life and moving toward his own goals.
At 12 I began parenting myself. As I look at my beautiful 12 year old hormonal son, I can’t imagine him having that responsibility. Granted, there are times he probably would love to be on his own, however that isn’t a choice he is developmentally able to make.
As a child, I was grief-stricken by these events. As an adult, I can look back and recognize the events that forever imprinted my life. As a parent, I can’t imagine the pain my parents and the parents of our friends were going through. “be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle you know nothing about” is one of my favorite quotes and I still believe this to be true. We are all hiding behind our smiles and putting our brave faces on for the world.
As a parent, I have experienced my share of grief and I have tried to shield my children from the crushing affects of it. That doesn’t mean they have not seen my cry, for they have. They have lost their beloved pets, uncle and grandmother and they know the circle of life.
And as their parent, I want to protect their innocence. I want to shield them from the ugliness of our world, however that may look. But, as their mom, my job isn’t to do that. It is to equip them and empower them so they can handle whatever comes their way. God help me in doing that. There is a reason they say it takes a village…
Just remember, my friend that we are all doing the best we can at any given moment. Let’s practice grace, not only with one another, but with ourselves as well.
The Lion King
Remember watching the movie and listen to the song, “The Circle of Life” and the celebration that ensued with the birth of the baby? And who didn’t cry with Simba’s father died? I know I am a bawling mess every time I watch that show. there is a part of me that wishes real life was more like cartoons though, as they seem to quickly move through those tough emotions.
In real life, those emotions don’t move that quickly. They ebb and flow, allowing us to feel focused one moment and utterly drowning the next. believe me, I understand why Simba disappeared into the unknown to be alone and refused to come back to what he knew. There are so many emotions vying for control. Guilt, grief, anger, sadness, joy and then they all start to mess together until we are not sure what we feel anymore.
Four years ago we unexpectedly lost my brother. I am still grieving and sometimes that hurt hits as and feels as though I have been gut punched. In the time following, our family lost a well loved minister, two beloved uncles and my mother’s partner. Last year my mom passed. Additionally, my immediate family lost two loving dogs, which also sucked.
For four years, I have been on the fuckin roller coaster of living and loving and crying and grieving. There have been times where I have been truly paralyzed by grief and there have been other times where my motivation to live was overpowering.
Grief doesn’t come with a handbook (ok, maybe a guidebook)…but one size does not fit all. For me, as I struggled, being a mom was my foremost goal and I while I wanted to keep a sense of security for my kids, I knew there were days that I just wasn’t present. Putting a smile on my face while talking to my loved ones about their own losses was so terribly hard. Keeping the consistency of a somewhat schedule and getting the kids where they needed to go kept me focused for short periods of time.
June has some tough anniversaries for my family. First my brother and more recently, we had our mom’s first anniversary of her death. Sometimes I think the anticipation of the anniversary can be worse than going through the day itself. Honestly, I suck at remembering anniversaries but my mind and body seem to know what’s going on, even when I don’t.
The best unsolicited advice I can give anyone reading this is the following. “be gentle with yourself”. Grief can come in like a fricken hurricane, go into a wave pool and return to a level five storm before we even know what we are dealing with. I now there were so many times I was figuratively getting ready to dip a toe into the water and BOOM, I was fricken sinking into the deep end.
It’s time to live
I know one thing. My brother would be irritated with me for not stepping up and taking life by the wings. He was a live in the moment type of guy and I remember him always falling asleep in his recliner because he ran himself ragged. While my mom’s body just wore out. She never recovered from the death of my brother, and especially the death of her other half, Ray.
She was done and her body was done. Thus the circle of life was complete.
Both of them taught me that life is meant to live. So challenge yourself today to take a new route. Step out of your comfort zone. Share those compliments you keep in your head. After all, sometimes tomorrow never comes…and what will your legacy be?
You Are Always So Positive
A friend recently reached out to me for some support and in her opening sentence, she stated “you are always so positive”. I took a breath and told her that I am really not always positive.
And I really am not.
The positive posts I make on social media are often those that resonate with where I am in my own emotional health. My hope is that if I can get a positive feeling from them that others may also. I work hard on feeding my mind positive affirmations so that they may take hold of my anxious thoughts.
I have doubts
Self disclosure…I have always had low self esteem. Well, that’s not entirely true. As a child, I believed I could do anything and be anything that I wanted. I excelled at school, creative writing and sports. However, I did struggle from severe anxiety. Even as I excelled, I went to bed so fearful of our house having a fire, that I would unplug every appliance that I could. I would be afraid to leave my brother alone in case he chocked while he was eating. The thoughts were exhausting, yet I excelled at school, so know one would ever know.
I still have doubts
As an adult, I have always struggled with the comparison game. Looks, talent, parenting…the competition is always there and I work hard on telling it to get the fuck out of here. As a woman, I know how debilitating the comparison game can be. Today, I can literally feel how damaging that stupid game is. I admit I am blessed that God changed my thinking and taught me to lift others up. Thee is room for all of us in this crazy world.
I truly believe that many of us are doing the best we can and by tearing others down, we are also revealing the deepest and darkest parts of ourselves that we keep hidden. Being an asshole does nothing but let other’s know we are focused on the wrong parts of ourselves.
The struggle is real
“Be kind, because everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about” is my favorite quote. I have it on my wall and I focus on it regularly because it reminds me that we cannot see what’s happening behind the shy smile of the new mom. We tend to judge the stony faced woman and make an assumption that she thinks she is better than we are. When is reality, she is terrified to be in a public place with no friends for support
We admire the strong muscles of the woman working out next to us and have no idea that she has struggled with body image since the age of ten. We look at the artist who is standing at her gallery with a huge smile, not knowing she is terrified of being judged.
We watch the mom carry her screaming toddler out of the store and immediately think she needs to get control of that kid (this one was me). In reality, all we needed was another mom to share the understanding…seriously, we have all been there.
I work out in order to give that energy somewhere positive to go. I continually refocus my thoughts and remind myself that I am worthy of being happy. It is the reason I need to spend alone time after a large gathering, or I may not accept an invitiation. Trust me, I want friends and I want to be invited. However, sometimes I let those crazy ass thoughts overpower me and I just retreat.
So, am I always so positive?
NOPE. Negative. Not even close.
But I am a work in progress and I believe we are stronger together in this battle. To my tribe that continually lifts me up, thank you. I love you more than you will ever know and thank you for sharing your light with me.