by Cindi j Jeffrey | Jul 14, 2021 | Depression, Fear, Inspiration, mental health, motivation, self-care, Wellness
It seems that everywhere you look, there is more and more information of what it means to be toxic. There are toxic relationships, toxic chemicals, toxic words. But where did this stem from? Is it abuse? Is it awareness of negative interactions? Or does it stem from our movement toward self awareness?
The very word is defined as: “extremely harsh, malicious, or harmful“, which in itself is a tad harsh. The word itself can leave a metallic and negative taste in my mouth. You know that coppery taste that occurs when you put a penny on your tongue (don’t ask).
So I decided to do a thing. An experiment of sorts. As a therapist, I thought I could benefit from taking a peek at my own life, rather than identifying patterns in other people’s lives. After all, it is always easier to focus of someone else, rather than ourself.
So I took a look at where the negativity was coming from in my life. A cold…hard…honest look. And as I looked around the people in my life, and the conversations we have had, I realized the negativity and toxic comments were not coming from them…they were coming from me.
Right? How can that be? I can recount multiple conversations where someone said something negative to me and I felt absolutely founded in adding those comments up to use against them. However, when I later replayed them in my head without an agenda, I realized those people were not attacking me, per se, they were being honest and I was not ready to hear what they had to say.
So what do you do when YOU are the one saying those negative things to yourself?
Honestly, I was avoiding what anyone had to say because I didn’t want to hear it; and subconsciously, I was blaming my reactions on their words…which is a fricken cop out. I am a grown woman. At some point the competition, the reactions, the power of others needs to stop.
People absolutely have a right to their thoughts and their words...and so do you. You also have a right to how you respond to those words and actions. You can personalize them. You can take them to heart. You can be pissed and feel violated. But at the end of the day? Do those words really matter? If they do, we need to work on strengthening your skin. Because, they are not living your life, nor do they experience what you experience on a daily basis. So stop giving them power over your response.
In many instances, your reactive response, validates their negative thinking. So stop doing that.
And stop reacting to your own negative thoughts. Stop listening to those wicked old tapes that are lying to you. Furthermore, stop lying to yourself.
The break up with my toxic self
After doing some deep thinking and fricken tough analysis, I decided a break up is in order. Not with the other naysayers, but with myself.
If I can’t love myself, how can I possibly expect to spread love to others?
Furthermore, if I continue to put conditions upon my own worth, how can I realistically love others unconditionally?
The truth is this: I can’t.
There is no fricken way I can love others the way they deserve to be loved if I can’t overlook my own perceived flaws. You know what I am talking about…if I don’t fit into the way society thinks I should look or act, how can I expect others to love me? But you know what? They do…and I decided that I am going to love myself also…perceived flaws and all.
Because here’s the thing. This mind and this body have been through the ringer and come out the other side. Not necessarily unscathed, but whole…and stronger for the experiences. Those times may have drained the life blood out of me, but I am still here, (Thank you Lord) and I believe there is a reason.
So I have decided to break up with my toxic self. I also know there will be times where I regress and fall back to those old tapes…but there will be times when I fucken shine. I will share my story and give hope to others who are still hiding in the shadows. I envision a time when we all shine, my friends.
Love yourself…You are worthy.
by Cindi j Jeffrey | Jan 1, 2021 | Fitness, Inspiration, motivation, self-care, Wellness
Say what? No resolutions?
Come Again? No resolutions? Why not?
Seriously, the New Year is supposed to be about goal setting, right? So why wouldn’t I create my own resolutions for a new and improved me? Perhaps I like the person I am and can accept that I have some issues, but who doesn’t?
Resolution -a firm decision to do or not to do something. For some of us, a resolution is motivating, for others it signifies a set up for failure. We have been told since we were kids to create goals, which will empower us to move forward towards achievement. However, some of us fail from the get go…and we use that failure to create more guilt and excuses to stay stuck. It’s a never ending cycle of excitement – failure – guilt. Just look at the gyms. January is their busiest month and all of the regulars know that by March, things will get back to normal, as the majority of the new members will stop coming in.
We absolutely know what we need to do to be healthier.
- Move your body – stop being a couch potato. Honestly, your couch may miss you, but it will welcome you back when you return. It may even enjoy the time to itself. Take the stairs, park far away from the door, walk around the block, walk the dog.
- Eat well – this is a no brainer. For me, I have learned that sugar and carbs are not my friends. Too much of them and my joints swell, causing pain throughout my body. I have never been a great nutritional eater, so I rely on supplements that I trust…those with no artificial fillers and are plant based.
- Drink water. Yes, water. Coffee doesn’t count, nor does alcohol. Aim for 1/2 your body weight in ounces per day.
- Sleep – now that’s a tough one. While I personally love to sleep, my body isn’t very good with getting the REM that I need. This is a continual challenge.
We know this, so where is the disconnect?
It begins in the mind
Mine is multifaceted. First and foremost, I want to keep up with my boys. Furthermore,I don’t want to be the mom who sits on the sidelines, just watching. I want to play, bike and have adventures with them. I also know that I FEEL better when I eat better. Additionally, I have anxiety, and working out helps that energy to focus in a positive way. Not to mention, genetically, we have heart disease in my family, and after losing my brother and mom to this disease, I want to fight back.
You have to be self motivated. External motivation will not last. You can’t get healthier for someone else; you need to do it for yourself. And you know what? YOU ARE WORTHY of being healthy and happy. You owe it to yourself to take care of yourself, after all, YOU Can’t Pour From an EMPTY cup.
Personally, I love affirmations. They are all over my office walls. I wear them on my wrist and I have an app on my phone that I love, called I AM. In my younger days, I thought affirmations were a joke. Now, my older and wiser version knows better. All behaviors begin with your thoughts
Furthermore, I have some kick ass music play lists. When I get ready to ride, I plug those suckers in and get lost in the beat. Recently, I rediscovered biking and it took me back to my childhood. Once I finally learned how to ride a bike, I was never far from one. I still love the freedom, the road crushing under my tires and the feel of air rushing my face.
I may also be a tad competitive with my Apple Watch friends…and myself.
As I was looking back on FB memories, I was taken aback by how many times I had documented that this next year would be MY YEAR…that each next year would promise something amazing! And while those amazing things may have occurred, the opposite also happened. The deaths of loved ones, the loss of jobs, the passing of beloved pets.
Life happened. And it took the wind out of my sails. My external motivation was removed, as was the internal motivation. Defeat, depression and despair were prevalent and I had two choices: Keep moving or stop.
I choose to keep moving forward.
After all, this is a lifestyle that begins new every day, sometimes every minute. It is not a resolution, as I deserve more that an annual goal.
by Cindi j Jeffrey | May 13, 2020 | Fear, Inspiration, mom, motivation, positive, Relationships, women
You Are Always So Positive
A friend recently reached out to me for some support and in her opening sentence, she stated “you are always so positive”. I took a breath and told her that I am really not always positive.
And I really am not.
The positive posts I make on social media are often those that resonate with where I am in my own emotional health. My hope is that if I can get a positive feeling from them that others may also. I work hard on feeding my mind positive affirmations so that they may take hold of my anxious thoughts.
I have doubts
Self disclosure…I have always had low self esteem. Well, that’s not entirely true. As a child, I believed I could do anything and be anything that I wanted. I excelled at school, creative writing and sports. However, I did struggle from severe anxiety. Even as I excelled, I went to bed so fearful of our house having a fire, that I would unplug every appliance that I could. I would be afraid to leave my brother alone in case he chocked while he was eating. The thoughts were exhausting, yet I excelled at school, so know one would ever know.
I still have doubts
As an adult, I have always struggled with the comparison game. Looks, talent, parenting…the competition is always there and I work hard on telling it to get the fuck out of here. As a woman, I know how debilitating the comparison game can be. Today, I can literally feel how damaging that stupid game is. I admit I am blessed that God changed my thinking and taught me to lift others up. Thee is room for all of us in this crazy world.
I truly believe that many of us are doing the best we can and by tearing others down, we are also revealing the deepest and darkest parts of ourselves that we keep hidden. Being an asshole does nothing but let other’s know we are focused on the wrong parts of ourselves.
The struggle is real
“Be kind, because everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about” is my favorite quote. I have it on my wall and I focus on it regularly because it reminds me that we cannot see what’s happening behind the shy smile of the new mom. We tend to judge the stony faced woman and make an assumption that she thinks she is better than we are. When is reality, she is terrified to be in a public place with no friends for support
We admire the strong muscles of the woman working out next to us and have no idea that she has struggled with body image since the age of ten. We look at the artist who is standing at her gallery with a huge smile, not knowing she is terrified of being judged.
We watch the mom carry her screaming toddler out of the store and immediately think she needs to get control of that kid (this one was me). In reality, all we needed was another mom to share the understanding…seriously, we have all been there.
I work out in order to give that energy somewhere positive to go. I continually refocus my thoughts and remind myself that I am worthy of being happy. It is the reason I need to spend alone time after a large gathering, or I may not accept an invitiation. Trust me, I want friends and I want to be invited. However, sometimes I let those crazy ass thoughts overpower me and I just retreat.
So, am I always so positive?
NOPE. Negative. Not even close.
But I am a work in progress and I believe we are stronger together in this battle. To my tribe that continually lifts me up, thank you. I love you more than you will ever know and thank you for sharing your light with me.
by Cindi j Jeffrey | Feb 1, 2020 | Fear, Inspiration, mom, motivation, Relationships, self-care, women
How often do you look into the mirror and instantly regret doing it?
What do you see?
How do you honestly see yourself?
Are you focusing on the stretch marks, the sagging boobs and the newly formed wrinkles? I ask, because sometimes that’s exactly what I see. However, on other occasions, I see the strength of a woman who has experienced multiple pregnancies, incredible weight gains and losses and survived multiple surgeries.
I see sagging and dimpled skin and I wonder when those bags underneath my eyes became permanent. WTF, right? When did my boobs decide to move south and not send a forwarding address? And the hormone changes? I dont’ care who you are, that added fluff to the middle is NOT welcome.
You are more than a reflection
What happens when the person in the mirror actually smiles back at you? Do you acknowldege the twinkle in th eye or the genuiness of the wink? How about you see past the reflection and look into her eyes. I challenge you to do that and look deeper into her soul. Your physical body is absolutely your responsiblity and furthermore, so is what’s inside of you.
You are a reflection of how you feel. When you feel horrible about yourself, you will project negative statements about yoruself. Conversely, when you have fallen in love with who you are, you will welcome the wink from the person in the mirror. Ultimately, the choice is yours. You will NOT find love from others until you love youself.
It sounds like something out of the 1960’s. Self-love. Love thyself. But, HOW? I wrote a blogpost years ago about stopping those old tapes from playing over and over again. We are all programmed differently and that programming is based upon our life experiences. At some point, we personalized what someone told us and we took it to heart, ultimately believing it.
Therin lies the damage. To love yourself, you have to challenge those old tapes. You need to realize you are more than a physical body. People don’t love your for how you look (if they do, get rid of the superficial asshole). Other’s love you because of who you are, becuase of the energy you bring and how you make them feel.
So here is my challenge to you, my friend. Go stand in front of the mirror and tell those old tapes to “Shut the Fxxk up”. Take a lipstick or a window marker and write down what you love about yourself. I promise you that doing this over and over will make you more confident and an even better friend.
Let me know how it worked, I love a great transformation story!
by Cindi j Jeffrey | May 24, 2019 | Fear, grief, Inspiration, mom, Momfail, motivation, parenting, Relationships, self-care, Wellness
I know you
I realize that we may have never actually met in person, but I know you.
I know you because we share the same defeated spirit. Right now you are wondering if I am fuckin crazy and that’s ok, sometimes I wonder that myself. What I am trying to say is that at some point in our lives we have done too much. We have committed to too many things. At some point in our lives (or maybe multiple times) we have put our needs behind every other person we know. And we are fricken exhausted.
I’m not talking about the can’t move my body because I am so tired exhausted. I mean we are brain weary, I can’t remember what I was going to say let alone why I walked into this room exhausted. Our minds are toast and our soul is screaming for a break. But we don’t give ourselves one because that would lead to feelings of guilt, which would lead to more commitments, which leads to being overwhelmed and the fricken cycle continues and the thread unravels.
The thread unravels
Have you ever tried to thread a needle? Those little needle holes are ridiculous and as you get older it becomes more difficult (I digress). Here’s the thing; if you don’t have the end of the thread bonded together, it begins to unravel. As that thread unravels, each little tiny piece of material becomes it’s own monster and demands attention and before you know it, you have multiple strands everywhere and none are working together.
The only way to fix it is to cut the thread and start again.
Stop. Cut the chords. Start again.
Additionally, I understand the impromptu anger that comes when you see the dishes on the end table or the socks laying unmatched near the front door. There are times when I think I am the only person who is able to see these items, although I am most assuredly not the one who left them there.
Resentment begins when we feel overwhelmed by the tasks laid before us. Unfortunately, resentment can sneak up on us, even when we are doing things we committed to doing. It isn’t something that we wear proudly, nor is it something we often talk about. I will say it. There are days that I struggle with wishing others would do more so I could do less. Furthermore, I want to stomp my feet and scream at the top of my lungs to “pick up the fuckin socks.” But I don’t and the thread unravels.
For years I didn’t talk about these feelings, as I felt guilty doing so. After experiencing miscarriages and difficult pregnancies, I know what a gift having a baby is. For me, complaining felt like an affront to being a mother. Now I see it differently and realize resentment and gratitude can live together in the same world. When I begin to feel resentful, it is time for me to stop, cut the chords and start again.
It is time to take care of me and ask the family to help out. It’s my job to teach my boys to become independent, not do it all for them. Although sometimes it is so much easier to just do it myself, I realize that isn’t helping any of us. And when everyone begins to pitch in, I feel gratitude overpowering those feelings of resentment.
I see you
So, girl, I see how hard you are working. And recently, I feel as though I have experienced every emotion these past few weeks. Wondering if I am helping my kids make the right decisions… questioning if I am supporting my husband enough… hurting for those around me who are hurting. I have been grateful beyond measure, followed by waves of grief and questioning. Parenting is hard…loving others is hard…watching those you love hurting is hard.
This is for you and hear me as I say this…“You are right where you need to be and you are doing an amazing job. Cut yourself some slack and just be present”. Your expectations of yourself are so much higher than the expectations of those who love you. Say that again and believe it in your soul.
by Cindi j Jeffrey | Apr 29, 2019 | Fitness, Inspiration, keto, mom, motivation, self-care, Wellness
This is for you, my friend. To the woman who feels frustrated with her wellness. I am writing to the woman who rewards herself with that little piece of candy. Read on if you are the woman who hates looking in the mirror or you are the woman who refuses to have her pictures taken.
I was there 11 months ago. Furthermore, I was fit but I wasn’t healthy. As a result, one day I decided to make some positive changes and I wrapped my mind around what I needed to do.
Consequently, nearly one year later, I can proudly show you my progress.
You CAN do this. Above all, I believe in you, even if you don’t believe in yourself quite yet.
My wellness journey is probably not so different than yours. Seems like I was always petite as a child, slim as a teenager and tiny into my 20’s. Certainly, for those reasons, I could eat what I wanted and while I worked out, I didn’t take my wellness very seriously. Consequently, I didn’t think about my wellness much at all…until my 30’s.
Life as I knew it began to change as I could no longer eat what I wanted with little or no ramifications. Hence, I began to gain weight and lose muscle tone while the workouts I had been completing were no longer cutting it (pun intended). Ultimately, between grad school and being newly married, the weight kept coming and I felt like I was at a loss to stop it.
Pregnancy does change you
For those reasons, my pregnancies did a huge number on my overall wellness. I was not prepared for the total overhaul my body would go through with each baby, nor was I ready for the hormonal changes that occurred. Please don’t read this as a complaint, as I would not change one thing about my babies; in contrast, I just want to recognize the inability to bounce back as your body truly does change and most likely you will not return to your pre-pregnancy condition.
My stall continues
To be honest, I remember very little about my 40’s. Conversely, while I remember moments, the overall decade remains considerably foggy. Additionally, having my boys at the advanced maternal ages of 39 and 40 resulted in a split pelvis and ongoing hip pain. To complicate matters, I had carpal tunnel surgery on both hands when the boys were both in diapers, followed by injury after injury.
Additionally, I struggled with never-ending shin splints and stress fractures. Ultimately, I endured a complicated hand surgery shortly followed by three abdominal surgeries within 18 months. Because of these situations an ugly cycle of me starting a wellness journey, only to be derailed and starting over began. However, knowing what I do now, I see the error of my ways. First and foremost, I failed to stretch. Although, most importantly, I refused to eat well and I didn’t care what I put into my body.
As my boys grew and became more active, I also made a decision to become more active. Therefore, I empowered myself with knowledge and participated in trial and error. Ultimately, I am determined to be a part of my boy’s lives without just sitting on the sidelines. I want to be involved in their activities, and truth be told, I want to show them how it’s done.
The defining moment
Even though I had changed my eating habits and carefully chosen my supplements and while I was working out four to five days per week, I was not seeing many positive physical changes. Above all, I knew I was stronger and more fit, however, I was aware that I could improve my overall wellness. Unfortunately, my blood pressure was high and I was still on the heavier side.
My friend asked me if I wanted to join her in the 21-day fix and I vehemently told her no. However, not one month later, I noticed that I was rewarding myself with candy whenever I came home from the gym. HUH. Seriously, it was like a light bulb went off and I decided that I was done.
I adopted the Keto lifestyle, but more importantly, I gave up sugar.
The ramifications? 11 months later and I am down 30 pounds. My joint pain is virtually nonexistent. I am no longer the hangry person I used to be. My dry eye went away. As a result, I have found muscle tone again and I am no longer a slave to the sweet tooth I have always had.
I will leave you with my own recommendations to #beabetteryou as I recognize everyone has their own journey to follow:
- Stop the comparison game. You are not the same as anyone else and I doubt you know the struggles they have endured, nor do they know yours. Do not, I repeat, do not compare yourself to the other moms, your co-workers, or the women at your gym.
- Love yourself. You are worthy of being loved. Treat yourself as you would a best friend who is struggling and grant yourself grace.
- Make yourself a priority. GASP. Generally speaking, women often take care of others before we meet our own needs. Ultimately, this backfires on us and we end up feeling exhausted and resentful. If you want to explore this topic more, please read “You can’t pour from an empty cup“.
- Ask for help. Reach out to others and ask for guidance. Find a trainer to help you at the gym. So many of us are afraid to step foot inside a gym because we feel overwhelmed and don’t know where to start. Suck it up, buttercup and make that appointment. You will feel empowered when you leave and come back standing tall!
- Take pictures. You need to be in the moment, regardless of how critical you are of yourself. Remember that your family and friends love you regardless of how you look, and unlike your impression of yourself, theirs isn’t based on your appearance. Not to mention, this is a huge way to monitor your progress.
- Check your hormone levels. So many of the women I know are struggling with hormone and/or thyroid levels. Please note that I am not a medical provider, however, I know from personal experience that both of these can wreak havoc on your body and mind.
- Love yourself. Worthy of a repeat. You are beautiful and a scale or a size does not define you. If you are working on your wellness, do it for YOU. The world tells us we need to look or be a certain way and that is ridiculous. I have spent way too much time comparing myself to others and berating myself because I don’t’ look like I think I am supposed to. Embrace who you are in this moment.
I will leave you with this quote: “Courage is moving forward in times of non-motivation.” I receive daily motivation from Constantly Varied Gear, which is a kick-ass group of badass women who are pushing themselves and one another to be their absolute best. I found them on FaceBook. Check it out and let them know I sent you!