It seems that everywhere you look, there is more and more information of what it means to be toxic. There are toxic relationships, toxic chemicals, toxic words. But where did this stem from? Is it abuse? Is it awareness of negative interactions? Or does it stem from our movement toward self awareness?
The very word is defined as: “extremely harsh, malicious, or harmful“, which in itself is a tad harsh. The word itself can leave a metallic and negative taste in my mouth. You know that coppery taste that occurs when you put a penny on your tongue (don’t ask).
So I decided to do a thing. An experiment of sorts. As a therapist, I thought I could benefit from taking a peek at my own life, rather than identifying patterns in other people’s lives. After all, it is always easier to focus of someone else, rather than ourself.
So I took a look at where the negativity was coming from in my life. A cold…hard…honest look. And as I looked around the people in my life, and the conversations we have had, I realized the negativity and toxic comments were not coming from them…they were coming from me.
Right? How can that be? I can recount multiple conversations where someone said something negative to me and I felt absolutely founded in adding those comments up to use against them. However, when I later replayed them in my head without an agenda, I realized those people were not attacking me, per se, they were being honest and I was not ready to hear what they had to say.
So what do you do when YOU are the one saying those negative things to yourself?
Honestly, I was avoiding what anyone had to say because I didn’t want to hear it; and subconsciously, I was blaming my reactions on their words…which is a fricken cop out. I am a grown woman. At some point the competition, the reactions, the power of others needs to stop.
People absolutely have a right to their thoughts and their words...and so do you. You also have a right to how you respond to those words and actions. You can personalize them. You can take them to heart. You can be pissed and feel violated. But at the end of the day? Do those words really matter? If they do, we need to work on strengthening your skin. Because, they are not living your life, nor do they experience what you experience on a daily basis. So stop giving them power over your response.
In many instances, your reactive response, validates their negative thinking. So stop doing that.
And stop reacting to your own negative thoughts. Stop listening to those wicked old tapes that are lying to you. Furthermore, stop lying to yourself.
The break up with my toxic self
After doing some deep thinking and fricken tough analysis, I decided a break up is in order. Not with the other naysayers, but with myself.
If I can’t love myself, how can I possibly expect to spread love to others?
Furthermore, if I continue to put conditions upon my own worth, how can I realistically love others unconditionally?
The truth is this: I can’t.
There is no fricken way I can love others the way they deserve to be loved if I can’t overlook my own perceived flaws. You know what I am talking about…if I don’t fit into the way society thinks I should look or act, how can I expect others to love me? But you know what? They do…and I decided that I am going to love myself also…perceived flaws and all.
Because here’s the thing. This mind and this body have been through the ringer and come out the other side. Not necessarily unscathed, but whole…and stronger for the experiences. Those times may have drained the life blood out of me, but I am still here, (Thank you Lord) and I believe there is a reason.
So I have decided to break up with my toxic self. I also know there will be times where I regress and fall back to those old tapes…but there will be times when I fucken shine. I will share my story and give hope to others who are still hiding in the shadows. I envision a time when we all shine, my friends.
Love yourself…You are worthy.
Say what? No resolutions?
Come Again? No resolutions? Why not?
Seriously, the New Year is supposed to be about goal setting, right? So why wouldn’t I create my own resolutions for a new and improved me? Perhaps I like the person I am and can accept that I have some issues, but who doesn’t?
Resolution -a firm decision to do or not to do something. For some of us, a resolution is motivating, for others it signifies a set up for failure. We have been told since we were kids to create goals, which will empower us to move forward towards achievement. However, some of us fail from the get go…and we use that failure to create more guilt and excuses to stay stuck. It’s a never ending cycle of excitement – failure – guilt. Just look at the gyms. January is their busiest month and all of the regulars know that by March, things will get back to normal, as the majority of the new members will stop coming in.
We absolutely know what we need to do to be healthier.
- Move your body – stop being a couch potato. Honestly, your couch may miss you, but it will welcome you back when you return. It may even enjoy the time to itself. Take the stairs, park far away from the door, walk around the block, walk the dog.
- Eat well – this is a no brainer. For me, I have learned that sugar and carbs are not my friends. Too much of them and my joints swell, causing pain throughout my body. I have never been a great nutritional eater, so I rely on supplements that I trust…those with no artificial fillers and are plant based.
- Drink water. Yes, water. Coffee doesn’t count, nor does alcohol. Aim for 1/2 your body weight in ounces per day.
- Sleep – now that’s a tough one. While I personally love to sleep, my body isn’t very good with getting the REM that I need. This is a continual challenge.
We know this, so where is the disconnect?
It begins in the mind
Mine is multifaceted. First and foremost, I want to keep up with my boys. Furthermore,I don’t want to be the mom who sits on the sidelines, just watching. I want to play, bike and have adventures with them. I also know that I FEEL better when I eat better. Additionally, I have anxiety, and working out helps that energy to focus in a positive way. Not to mention, genetically, we have heart disease in my family, and after losing my brother and mom to this disease, I want to fight back.
You have to be self motivated. External motivation will not last. You can’t get healthier for someone else; you need to do it for yourself. And you know what? YOU ARE WORTHY of being healthy and happy. You owe it to yourself to take care of yourself, after all, YOU Can’t Pour From an EMPTY cup.
Personally, I love affirmations. They are all over my office walls. I wear them on my wrist and I have an app on my phone that I love, called I AM. In my younger days, I thought affirmations were a joke. Now, my older and wiser version knows better. All behaviors begin with your thoughts
Furthermore, I have some kick ass music play lists. When I get ready to ride, I plug those suckers in and get lost in the beat. Recently, I rediscovered biking and it took me back to my childhood. Once I finally learned how to ride a bike, I was never far from one. I still love the freedom, the road crushing under my tires and the feel of air rushing my face.
I may also be a tad competitive with my Apple Watch friends…and myself.
As I was looking back on FB memories, I was taken aback by how many times I had documented that this next year would be MY YEAR…that each next year would promise something amazing! And while those amazing things may have occurred, the opposite also happened. The deaths of loved ones, the loss of jobs, the passing of beloved pets.
Life happened. And it took the wind out of my sails. My external motivation was removed, as was the internal motivation. Defeat, depression and despair were prevalent and I had two choices: Keep moving or stop.
I choose to keep moving forward.
After all, this is a lifestyle that begins new every day, sometimes every minute. It is not a resolution, as I deserve more that an annual goal.
You Are Always So Positive
A friend recently reached out to me for some support and in her opening sentence, she stated “you are always so positive”. I took a breath and told her that I am really not always positive.
And I really am not.
The positive posts I make on social media are often those that resonate with where I am in my own emotional health. My hope is that if I can get a positive feeling from them that others may also. I work hard on feeding my mind positive affirmations so that they may take hold of my anxious thoughts.
I have doubts
Self disclosure…I have always had low self esteem. Well, that’s not entirely true. As a child, I believed I could do anything and be anything that I wanted. I excelled at school, creative writing and sports. However, I did struggle from severe anxiety. Even as I excelled, I went to bed so fearful of our house having a fire, that I would unplug every appliance that I could. I would be afraid to leave my brother alone in case he chocked while he was eating. The thoughts were exhausting, yet I excelled at school, so know one would ever know.
I still have doubts
As an adult, I have always struggled with the comparison game. Looks, talent, parenting…the competition is always there and I work hard on telling it to get the fuck out of here. As a woman, I know how debilitating the comparison game can be. Today, I can literally feel how damaging that stupid game is. I admit I am blessed that God changed my thinking and taught me to lift others up. Thee is room for all of us in this crazy world.
I truly believe that many of us are doing the best we can and by tearing others down, we are also revealing the deepest and darkest parts of ourselves that we keep hidden. Being an asshole does nothing but let other’s know we are focused on the wrong parts of ourselves.
The struggle is real
“Be kind, because everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about” is my favorite quote. I have it on my wall and I focus on it regularly because it reminds me that we cannot see what’s happening behind the shy smile of the new mom. We tend to judge the stony faced woman and make an assumption that she thinks she is better than we are. When is reality, she is terrified to be in a public place with no friends for support
We admire the strong muscles of the woman working out next to us and have no idea that she has struggled with body image since the age of ten. We look at the artist who is standing at her gallery with a huge smile, not knowing she is terrified of being judged.
We watch the mom carry her screaming toddler out of the store and immediately think she needs to get control of that kid (this one was me). In reality, all we needed was another mom to share the understanding…seriously, we have all been there.
I work out in order to give that energy somewhere positive to go. I continually refocus my thoughts and remind myself that I am worthy of being happy. It is the reason I need to spend alone time after a large gathering, or I may not accept an invitiation. Trust me, I want friends and I want to be invited. However, sometimes I let those crazy ass thoughts overpower me and I just retreat.
So, am I always so positive?
NOPE. Negative. Not even close.
But I am a work in progress and I believe we are stronger together in this battle. To my tribe that continually lifts me up, thank you. I love you more than you will ever know and thank you for sharing your light with me.