Trigger Warning, includes death
Seriously, this is one of the most difficult blog posts I have written. I have been thinking of it for some time and just have not been able to bring myself to actually articulate the words, let alone type them. However, this pandemic is seriously making me face some tough truths, none of which are exactly comfortable to acknowledge, especially when it comes to death.
I imagine the majority of you are being hit hard in at least one area of your life right now. Whether it be financially, physically, or within a relationship, none of us could ever have prepared for what our world would look like at this very moment. I can’t imagine any of us would have predicted this reality when the world shut down in March of 2020.
There are times when death sneaks up on us without warning. That was the case with my brother a few years back. Honestly, out of all of the people in my life, I truly thought he would be the one to outlive us all. He didn’t. Ironically, he had made plans ago meet us that next week. No one could have predicted his untimely and unexpected passing.
Other times you have warning. For instance, we knew my mom was ill, we just didn’t realize exactly how far she had declined. The last day we talked, I received a call a short time later, saying she was declining and she wanted me to make a decision about her being vented. I was so taken aback, after all, I had just chatted with her a few hours before. To this day, I remember hearing her in the background and begging me to help her make this decision.
So I asked if she was ready. She was changing her original decision of not prolonging her life (which is not uncommon). Than I asked who her Power of Attorney was (POA) and was told it was me.
Keep in mind, this conversation as taking place in front of my boys’ school, as I picked them up for the day. I briefly remember asking one of my friends to take the boys until I completed the phone call. After all, illness doesn’t occur when it’s a convenient time.
She went on the vent
I knew from the moment she went on the vent that she would not come back to us. She was depressed, she was lonely and her body was failing. As her POA, I received countless updates and had unlimited decisions to make on her behalf throughout the next three days.
None of it was easy.
The only thing that was keeping her alive were medical interventions. I arrived three days later and on the drive, I received a panicked phone call from family, telling me she was declining fast. Consequently, I was unsure if I would reach the hospital before she passed away. With the help of my sister in law and my dad, I arrived at the hospital and incidentally, I had totally forgotten how to get there, even though that was my hometown.
Those last moments
It isn’t a secret that my mom and I had an adversarial relationship, but she was my mom. She gave birth to me. She fought her demons, but don’t we all? I wasn’t sure what to expect when I arrived, but for hours, my aunt, uncle and cousin and I sat around and told silly stories, which I am sure my mom listened to. While it was a shitty time to visit, we actually had a few laughs.
Then they all left and it was just me and mom. I pulled up a chair and sat by her bed and as the minutes ticked by, I watched her heart rate become sporadic. Her heart rate would dip and skip beats, before getting back into a rhythm. I watched her hands and feet turn dark. As medical personal stopped in to check on both of us, I sat in awe of her body shutting down.
I held her hand and played music that I haven’t listened to in year, cracking bad jokes because that’s what I do when I am uncomfortable. Of note, other than being with my pets when it was their time, I had never witnessed another living being shut down. It was painful. It was emotional, and it was so final.
A decision needed to be made
The next morning, I felt compelled to make a decision I did NOT want to make. However, watching her struggle was unfair and she had declared me as her decision maker. When I talked to the nurse, she knew enough about impending death that she told me it would be soon; as mom was already fading away from us.
I made the calls and together with my aunt, cousin and family friend, we gave her permission to go. And as her heart rate faded away, we said our final goodbyes. There were so many mixed emotions at that time because while we knew it was in her best interest, it was so incredibly final.
My mom’s passing never quite goes away. Being with someone as they pass is both a privilege and a curse as it is beautiful and painful. My consciousness understand that she is no longer in pain and she is reunited with loved ones who were already gone, but my heart still holds on. It’s the what if’s that are haunting.
Covid 19 robs our current society of the ability to be with a loved one when that time comes. Our loved ones are forced to die alone, or with caretaker who are hidden behind protective gear. They don’t have someone there to guide them into the next life, nor can they hear the words of their family and friends, telling them it is ok to go.
Covid 19 is a cruel their who is robbing us of what makes us humans…the ability to touch, to psychically connect and to provide comfort when it is most needed. My heart is breaking for the patients who have or will succumb and the staff members who do their best to accommodate their needs.
For once, I have no advice or motivational words. This just fuckin sucks.Take care of you, my friend.
The Lion King
Remember watching the movie and listen to the song, “The Circle of Life” and the celebration that ensued with the birth of the baby? And who didn’t cry with Simba’s father died? I know I am a bawling mess every time I watch that show. there is a part of me that wishes real life was more like cartoons though, as they seem to quickly move through those tough emotions.
In real life, those emotions don’t move that quickly. They ebb and flow, allowing us to feel focused one moment and utterly drowning the next. believe me, I understand why Simba disappeared into the unknown to be alone and refused to come back to what he knew. There are so many emotions vying for control. Guilt, grief, anger, sadness, joy and then they all start to mess together until we are not sure what we feel anymore.
Four years ago we unexpectedly lost my brother. I am still grieving and sometimes that hurt hits as and feels as though I have been gut punched. In the time following, our family lost a well loved minister, two beloved uncles and my mother’s partner. Last year my mom passed. Additionally, my immediate family lost two loving dogs, which also sucked.
For four years, I have been on the fuckin roller coaster of living and loving and crying and grieving. There have been times where I have been truly paralyzed by grief and there have been other times where my motivation to live was overpowering.
Grief doesn’t come with a handbook (ok, maybe a guidebook)…but one size does not fit all. For me, as I struggled, being a mom was my foremost goal and I while I wanted to keep a sense of security for my kids, I knew there were days that I just wasn’t present. Putting a smile on my face while talking to my loved ones about their own losses was so terribly hard. Keeping the consistency of a somewhat schedule and getting the kids where they needed to go kept me focused for short periods of time.
June has some tough anniversaries for my family. First my brother and more recently, we had our mom’s first anniversary of her death. Sometimes I think the anticipation of the anniversary can be worse than going through the day itself. Honestly, I suck at remembering anniversaries but my mind and body seem to know what’s going on, even when I don’t.
The best unsolicited advice I can give anyone reading this is the following. “be gentle with yourself”. Grief can come in like a fricken hurricane, go into a wave pool and return to a level five storm before we even know what we are dealing with. I now there were so many times I was figuratively getting ready to dip a toe into the water and BOOM, I was fricken sinking into the deep end.
It’s time to live
I know one thing. My brother would be irritated with me for not stepping up and taking life by the wings. He was a live in the moment type of guy and I remember him always falling asleep in his recliner because he ran himself ragged. While my mom’s body just wore out. She never recovered from the death of my brother, and especially the death of her other half, Ray.
She was done and her body was done. Thus the circle of life was complete.
Both of them taught me that life is meant to live. So challenge yourself today to take a new route. Step out of your comfort zone. Share those compliments you keep in your head. After all, sometimes tomorrow never comes…and what will your legacy be?
You Are Always So Positive
A friend recently reached out to me for some support and in her opening sentence, she stated “you are always so positive”. I took a breath and told her that I am really not always positive.
And I really am not.
The positive posts I make on social media are often those that resonate with where I am in my own emotional health. My hope is that if I can get a positive feeling from them that others may also. I work hard on feeding my mind positive affirmations so that they may take hold of my anxious thoughts.
I have doubts
Self disclosure…I have always had low self esteem. Well, that’s not entirely true. As a child, I believed I could do anything and be anything that I wanted. I excelled at school, creative writing and sports. However, I did struggle from severe anxiety. Even as I excelled, I went to bed so fearful of our house having a fire, that I would unplug every appliance that I could. I would be afraid to leave my brother alone in case he chocked while he was eating. The thoughts were exhausting, yet I excelled at school, so know one would ever know.
I still have doubts
As an adult, I have always struggled with the comparison game. Looks, talent, parenting…the competition is always there and I work hard on telling it to get the fuck out of here. As a woman, I know how debilitating the comparison game can be. Today, I can literally feel how damaging that stupid game is. I admit I am blessed that God changed my thinking and taught me to lift others up. Thee is room for all of us in this crazy world.
I truly believe that many of us are doing the best we can and by tearing others down, we are also revealing the deepest and darkest parts of ourselves that we keep hidden. Being an asshole does nothing but let other’s know we are focused on the wrong parts of ourselves.
The struggle is real
“Be kind, because everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about” is my favorite quote. I have it on my wall and I focus on it regularly because it reminds me that we cannot see what’s happening behind the shy smile of the new mom. We tend to judge the stony faced woman and make an assumption that she thinks she is better than we are. When is reality, she is terrified to be in a public place with no friends for support
We admire the strong muscles of the woman working out next to us and have no idea that she has struggled with body image since the age of ten. We look at the artist who is standing at her gallery with a huge smile, not knowing she is terrified of being judged.
We watch the mom carry her screaming toddler out of the store and immediately think she needs to get control of that kid (this one was me). In reality, all we needed was another mom to share the understanding…seriously, we have all been there.
I work out in order to give that energy somewhere positive to go. I continually refocus my thoughts and remind myself that I am worthy of being happy. It is the reason I need to spend alone time after a large gathering, or I may not accept an invitiation. Trust me, I want friends and I want to be invited. However, sometimes I let those crazy ass thoughts overpower me and I just retreat.
So, am I always so positive?
NOPE. Negative. Not even close.
But I am a work in progress and I believe we are stronger together in this battle. To my tribe that continually lifts me up, thank you. I love you more than you will ever know and thank you for sharing your light with me.