by Cindi j Jeffrey | Jul 22, 2016 | Faith, grief, mom, work from home mom
Grief…
It comes in waves and affects every person differently.
11 years ago today, my husband and I learned that our daughter had died at 24 weeks and three days. She was still in the womb and I had to be induced for her to enter this world and wait over 24 hours for her to be born. After her birth, I remember the nurse bringing this tine, one pound little girl to me, wrapped tightly in a blanket. .
Chaney Renee was stillborn. I remember looking at her and her little nose turned up, just like mine. I cried as I held her close to my heart and I remember my father in law telling me that when you lose a baby on Earth, you have a baby to rock in Heaven. All I knew was that I hurt desperately and I was going home without my little girl. I didn’t realize until that experience that the hospital put a rose outside my door to signify that we had lost our child. This was their cue to not ask about our baby.
4 1/2 hours after giving birth,my husband and I walked out of the hospital. I had never felt so empty in my life and I remember thinking I would never be happy again. I remember wondering how I could be in the throws of grief while the world went on with their lives. Even walking through Target with my husband was so emotionally difficult, as all I could see were the baby girl clothes that we would never buy. Truthfully, I thought the crying would never stop.
I remember when my husband went back to work, I felt alone and terrified. My anxiety was incredibly high and my grief was overwhelming. I was mourning the loss of our baby, but as my husband explained, it was so much more. We were mourning the death of the dreams we had for her. Our little girl would never grow up and experience everything we, as parents, dreamed for her.
I vividly remember a few weeks later, working with my dad in our basement and painting the walls. My father hated to paint, but he wanted to keep me company, so together we painted. Out of the blue, I began singing, which is something I never thought I would do again. It was at that point, I knew I would be OK…I would never be the same, but I would be OK. God was with us through our journey and I knew our little girl was safely in His kingdom.
This experience helped me in my career as a social worker. I became more empathetic and I understood how a parent would do anything in their power to protect their children. You see, we knew from 12 weeks that Chaney had a genetic disorder. Testing showed she had Turners Syndrome in addition to some other anomalies. We knew she had a small chance for survival. We researched her condition and were given the option to terminate the pregnancy. We chose to let God guide us. Guaranteed that she would not suffer, we let her dictate her path and that allowed me to be as close to her as possible for her short life.
Weekly ultrasounds provided us with pictures of this sweet girl. She continued to be active until the week she was still. At some point within the week, she had passed away and as a mother I was unable to tell. I remember the doctor letting us know that she was gone and we were instantly put on the ward and labor was induced. I called my good friend and chaplain at the hospital I worked with to come and bless her, which he did. She was in God’s arms now and I needed to let her go.
Tomorrow marks the 11th anniversary of her birth. July 22nd will always be a difficult day for me and I rarely talk about this event in our lives, although it was one of the most traumatic times we have experienced.
This little girl taught me grace and empathy. She provided me with the ability to see my boys as gifts and I know she is watching over us as we grow older. When God calls me home, I will have a baby to rock and she will be whole and healthy, waiting with open arms for another hug from her mama.
Recently she was joined by my brother. He was 53 years old and passed away unexpectedly. My husband took the call and I will never forget the look on his face when he told me the news. I was in denial as I asked “Mike who”? My brother was my hero and had been since I was a child. We may not have had much communication, but we didn’t need to. We were five and 1/2 years apart and we were like oil and water. He was a trail blazer and made things happen. I often took and hard paths and walked the line between right and wrong. He never once shunned me and he was always there to support me, even if he didn’t agree with my decisions.
This grief is different. I feel as though I have been kicked in the gut as I look back over the years. My brother was the one who cared for me while my parents worked. He was the one who taught me to ride a motorcycle. He was the one that taught me that I could do anything if I worked hard enough.
He attended my basketball and softball games. He attended my graduations from high school and college. He was there for me to vent. We had plans to meet the day after he died, and through this experience, I have learned that sometimes tomorrow never comes.
This grief is different from the loss of our baby. I have memories with my brother and I watched him grow up and become an amazing husband and father. This loss carries the memories of a lifetime with him and a sadness for what we won’t experience together. He was one of my “rocks” and I hope that I can take what he taught me and help his wife and children through their lives.
To him, I was always the little sister who never grew up, or at least I always felt like that. I watched his children when they were little and I came to love his wife as a sister. She also taught me so much about family and what it means to accept one another. Her parents extended their home and love to me and treated me as family.
This loss was so unexpected. I know that God has a plan that we are not able to understand, and while I struggle with it, I know to trust in Him. While I hurt and sometimes experience waves of uncontrollable grief, I know that we will move forward and learn to live our “new normal” as my friend eloquently explained it.
So, my friends, remember that sometimes tomorrow never comes. Live your life and step out of your comfort zones. Allow yourself to laugh and be silly, as you go through your life. Let yourself impact others and let God work His Grace through you.
by Cindi j Jeffrey | Jun 22, 2016 | work from home mom
I owe you an apology.
I am sorry for my selfishness.
I am sorry for not being able to see past myself.
You were hurting and I should have been there for you. I sent words, but I didn’t send myself.
“I don’t do funerals.”
I don’t know one person who enjoys them.
I didn’t realize the enormity of your loss, of your pain.
Please forgive me and understand that you were often in my thoughts and my prayers. I still think of your loss and I wonder how you are doing.
I should have picked up the phone.
I should have come to mourn with you.
Forgive me.
by Cindi j Jeffrey | May 27, 2016 | work from home mom
I have a confession. I am cheap. I will save $100 and buy a smaller version of the Refrigerator (I am no longer allowed to choose the appliances in our kitchen, rightly so). I will go for the lowest premium payment for insurance. I shop for the least expensive products as possible.
So, when my husband told me he wanted to buy a commercial grade water slide, I vetoed it. NOPE…
NADA…how much?
Absolutely not…
NO WAY,
WE DON”T NEED THAT, blah blah, blah.
We have always had water slides. My husband is a master at purchasing them used and patching them up for the season. Last year was the first one we were “water slide-less” and while it was a bummer, we made it through.
This year was different.
Our youngest will be going into 1st grade and our oldest will be going into 3rd. They still love to play in the water and they especially love having their friends over to play on a water slide.
I still didn’t want to spend the money. And than my husband said this:” how many summers will we have them home and WANT to slide?” And than he said “it’s only money.”
WOW!!! stopped me in my tracks…right there.
So we bought the slide. I was the first one down and it was a blast! The kids played on it for hours with their friends. Our neighbors gathered in our yard and we sat around and shared some food and drink while the kids laughed and the adults took pictures.
After all, it’s only money.
We can always make more. Our boys will never be this little again.
Thank you, honey for buying the slide.
by Cindi j Jeffrey | May 11, 2016 | Business owner, childhood, mom, work from home mom
Being a parent is similar to walking on a tightrope. You don’t want to overstep, loose your balance, or drop your ever important balancing stick. You hope you are providing your child with the tools to become confidant adults without losing your way. It’s a great thing that when we do fall, there is a safety net of others to pick up our slack.
My two boys are very different. It amazes me how two children, just 19 months apart can demonstrate such different characteristics! For one of my children, things come easily and he doesn’t seek out praise. My other child struggles with confidence issues and becomes easily frustrated, which leads to tears (I wish I could say he didn’t get this from me).
Today was a growth opportunity for that child. After a year of struggles in school, he tested well on reading. Actually, he breezed through six different reading levels this school year. In past years, he has chosen to be lacksidasical in his studies until the last quarter, where he would finish 3 quarters worth of work.
But I digress…tonight at Tae Kwando he began to cry when lost his way during a form. I immediately stood up and provided some encouragement from afar, wanting to go and hug him and knowing he needed to stay on the mat and finish his class.
From deep within, he mustered the courage to press on and completed the forms correctly. He stood taller and began to smile. He maintained that confidence throughout the class. As we left, we talked about how he felt class went, as we usually do. He talked of becoming frustrated and confused, however once he knew his expectations, he was able to bring it all together. I explained how proud I was of him that he stayed on the mat and even more importantly, he was proud that he stuck it out.
We both learned lessons tonight. He learned to trust himself and I learned to trust him. I thank God everyday for these little people and I pray that He will guide all of us through our journeys.
by Cindi j Jeffrey | Apr 23, 2016 | Business owner, childhood, mom, work from home mom
Today’s world is so different from the world I grew up in. At the age of four, I was walking carefree and alone around our city block. By the time I was ten, my friends and I would walk across town to the mall. We spent our days outside and went hours without our parents hearing from us.
Today, I am afraid to let my boys play out front without an adult. There are reports of sexual predators attempting to lure kids into vans just blocks from our home. The news is packed with stories of shootings, attempted kidnappings, and other atrocious acts.
Some things have stayed the same though. There are still predators who are looking for their next victim. As a child I remember our family home being broken into. Although we locked the door, it was just a screen and was easily cut through. The thieves crawled right into my parents bedroom where they were sleeping and stole from us.
We had a peeping tom. I remember going out to look at the footprints in the mud outside of our downstairs window. Even with our home being violated, I still felt an essence of safety. Most of all, I remember the attack in the park bathroom when I was around the age of 7.
The city park boasted multiple play areas and a great river for fishing. Accompanied by my dad and older brother, I alternately played on the equipment and caught the trees with my fishing pole. When I told my dad that I had to use the bathroom, he instructed my brother to take me.
While he wasn’t overly happy about it, my brother walked me there as I chattered on and on about the fun we were having. When we reached the building, I attempted to open the heavy door and was unable to, so my brother assisted me in pushing it open…that was when we heard a piercing scream from a woman yelling “help me”!
Immediately my brother pulled me backwards and we let the door fall shut. Shortly after we moved out of the way, a man ran out. To this day I can tell you that he had dark hair, a white t-shirt, blue jeans and black boots. He also held a white cloth over his face.
My brother grabbed me and together we RAN back to where my dad was still fishing. As I was hysterical, my brother shared the story and we all piled into the truck so my dad could find a pay phone and call the police. During the drive around the park, we encountered the woman, now hanging over the river bank with blood dripping from her face. My dad let her know the police were in route.
I had to give my statement to the officers and we were free to go home. Home..where we had already been broken into…Home…where we had already been visited by a peeping Tom. Home…and a feeling of dread while wondering if I would ever be safe again.
