And so it begins.
Both boys are in school for full days.
What is a stay at home mom to do?
Start her next chapter.
My book is far from finished and every chapter continues to bring new challenges and incredible memories.
When I was younger, I could never see myself married, let alone be a mom. And God forbid that I would ever be a stay at home mom! I was a career woman and after graduating from college with a degree in Social Work (I was NEVER going to be a social worker either, lol) I worked several jobs, enjoyed an active social life and thought I was happy.
It wasn’t until I was in my 30’s that I began to see life differently. The love of my life and I had been dating on and off since high school and we decided to make it official and move onto our first chapter together.
We did everything that married people are supposed to do; we worked hard, got an amazing dog, and build a home. Parenting was something we were both interested in pursing, yet not in a huge rush to make it happen.
When it did, it turned our lives upside down. As a woman of “advanced maternal age”, my pregnancy was not easy and our first son was delivered three weeks early. After a stay in the NICU, we brought him home and I can vividly remember all three of us lying in our bedroom wondering what to do next. I had separated my pelvis during birth, so Daddy took care of both of us. I also remember wondering if I would ever be able to bond with my baby, as I didn’t feel that maternal instinct that everyone talked about. While I waited for it to magically appear, Daddy and Zach developed an amazing bond.
When it came time to go back to work, I was devastated to leave my baby. Apparently the maternal bond creeped up on me and now I couldn’t imagine leaving him with anyone else. I tried going back to work part-time, but in the end, it wasn’t for me. I desperately missed my baby and I did not want to miss any of his developmental milestones.
As it turns out, we ended up moving to another state and we made the decision for me to stay at home with the baby. While it sounded like an amazing opportunity, I truly had a tough time with the transition. We were in a new home, a new town, and I was home alone with an infant who relied on me for everything. I loved him so much it hurt, however I really did struggle with the shift in thinking and the change of responsibilities. I was used to working like a madwoman and going 100 miles per hour and now I did a lot of sitting and it felt as though I wasn’t doing much of anything. Life had slowed down tremendously and at the same time it began to feel as though it was moving at turbo speed.
When Zach was 11 months, we discovered we were blessed yet again. This time I remember wondering how I was going to share my love with another baby. I loved Zach with my whole heart and I questioned if I had enough room for two? Hormones really can be cruel, as I began to second guess my ability to parent two children.
With another difficult pregnancy, Zach continued to grow into an amazing toddler. The first night I left him alone was when we went to deliver his little brother. As it happens, my husband had taken a job in another state and had to cut his first day of work short so he could be there for the delivery of our second son.
Again, a short stay in the NICU and we brought baby Kyler home. Zach was pissed! He wanted nothing to do with the little bundle and made it very apparent that mommy was his, not the baby’s.
One of my strongest memories at this time was of me laying in bed and holding two screaming little ones. Neither was happy, daddy was gone during the week, and I was just spent. I felt guilty that the house was a disaster, the dogs were neglected, and I felt as though I wasn’t being a good mom to the boys. Again, I blame the hormones.
Six month later we moved again and life began to take on a new rhythm. Zach started paying attention to Kyler, I was able to focus on both boys, and I began to find some confidence as a mom.
Today I look back on those memories and wonder where the time went. This year, Kyler started kindergarten and Zach began 2nd grade. My babies are growing at an alarming rate and when time used to go so slowly, today it races.
God has truly blessed us with some amazing children. I learn more from them than they could ever learn from me. I love when they discover something new and I try hard to stop when they want to show me something. I have a collection of rocks and pictures that hold incredible memories that make me smile and give me warm fuzzies.
So as my boys go off to school today, I thank God for changing my thinking and giving me the opportunity be a stay at home mom. I can’t wait to pick them up from school and hear about their day, while I sneak in a kiss and a hug…I hope they hold my hand as we walk back to our car…after all, in another year or two, even that will be too much to ask.
Until I pick them up, maybe a few m&m’s will fill the empty part of me…couldn’t hurt, could it?
