As I am scrolling through FACEBOOK I see all of these absolutely adorable Valentine’s Boxes for upcoming class parties. Therefore I can’t help but wonder how everyone is getting their kids to participate. Are all of these other kiddos doing this freely? I have to threaten the removal of favorite objects to get my boys to even pretend to care about their Valentine Day boxes.
MOMFAIL
After literally three days of telling the boys they need to create their boxes, I taped my It Works boxes together and put them on our kitchen island. The next day they were still there. Being proactive, I provided the kids with paper, stickers, colors, markers, letters, and tape. Ten minutes later they were both finished with their Valentines Boxes and five of that was probably spent wrapping the paper around the box.
After encouraging them, coercing them and pleading with them, I finally gave in. Feeling a tad disappointed, I released them from the horror. I let go of the illusion they would be creating masterpieces like all of the other kids in their classes. Without belittling them, I let them decide how their boxes would look. While they made sure to cut holes large enough to receive valentines, the outsides are a tad “interesting”.
Perspective on Valentines Boxes
Looking at their boxes while rolling my eyes to my husband, he reminded me of why these boxes were not important to my kids. “It isn’t a guy holiday,” he said…you can’t make them be interested. (This from the same guy who made sure the kids were included in giving me flowers so they knew how to treat a special woman). Right then, it hit me. This isn’t about me. Their Valentines Boxes are not a reflection of me as a parent any more than my choices are reflections of my own parents.
I was allowing my emotions to interfere with my boy’s priorities. I was letting the fact that I will be a volunteer in their parties influence MY reactions to their choices. Consequently, I admit to feeling a tad embarrassed. How dare I compare my children to others. How incredibly silly is it that I even put pressure on them to participate in something because of how it would reflect upon me?
No Comparison
Since my boys were little, I have encouraged them to make their own choices. These two would learn from those decisions that every choice has a consequence. Some of their choices were amazing while others were definitely learning opportunities. The things that make my boys different from others are the very things that make me love them even more. I had always taught them to be different and now when they were, I wanted to force them back to being like others.
My oldest used to wear a stocking hat during the summer. He was my little Disney Thug and I loved it! My youngest loved to wear cowboy boots everywhere and I thought it was adorable! I embraced their individuality! So why in the world do I care about these Valentines Day boxes? In conclusion, forgive me, boys…lesson learned. However, when it comes to homework and schoolwork, that is a totally different arguargument
Sometimes you meet someone and you know they were put in your life for a reason. I remember when I first met Alicia Fechtmeister; we were both standing outside Armbrust YMCA and I commented on how amazing she looked. I had seen her around the Y and noticed she was working hard and her weight loss was showing dramatically in the shape of her face and the confidence she now bestowed.
I have watched this woman continue her weight loss journey for the past two years and she continues to be inspiring to those around her. She supports her counterparts and she has become a contestant in early morning spin classes.
Today I talked with her about her wellness journey and what prompted her to change her lifestyle. Alicia and Bob both graduated from Lincoln and began the American Dream. With a business and five children ranging in ages from 5 – 16, they are incredibly busy. While Bob is a runner, Alicia really didn’t participate in any wellness activities as she was focused mainly on keeping her large family up and running.
The Beginning
Three years ago, she took her two boys to watch Bob run the Lincoln marathon. She saw a picture of her with Bob and the boys and she couldn’t believe that was actually her. Many thoughts went through her mind, including:
“I don’t like how I look”…
“I didn’t like how I feel”…
“I wanted to look good for my husband (although she knows that he loves whatever size she is)”…
“I want to be healthy.”
The Journey
She didn’t want to wait until a doctor told her she needed to lose weight or until she suffered a heart attack to get into shape, so she made some changes in her life. She and her family joined Armbrust YMCA and she started attending one class per week. Shortly after that, she began the FAST program and learned about balancing what went into her body with what went out. Soon after, she was all in.
Initially weighing in at 236, she upped her classes to 7 days per week. Alicia found she loved spin class and combined with the FAST Program, she began to see changes in her weight and her body. Alicia reports it was “liberating” to not have to shop in the fat aisle at the store!
During this time, her husband continued to run. He and a friend were doing a 5K and asked her to join them. She and her sister joined the guys and her sister kept pace with her until she completed her very first 5K! That started a love/hate relationship with running. To this day she still doesn’t love it, but it is something that she and Bob can do together.
Alicia has found continued support from her husband and her sisters, along with various members at the YMCA. While her weight has fluctuated some, she continues on her journey and is the first to admit that she is not where she wants to be; this is not the end of her journey.
I didn’t ask her what her final goal is, I just shared that she continues to be a motivator for others. This past weekend, Alicia ran the Lincoln ½ marathon. Admittedly, this is not something she ever thought she would do and she finished strongly with a 12 ½ minute pace! Bob ran by her side, supporting and encouraging her the whole way. She says she is overwhelmed by the number of people who sent her texts and messages encouraging her along her run and didn’t realize how many people were pulling for her!
Giving Back
Ultimately, Alicia wants to give back. She has invited other Y members to the Color Run with her and she has promised to run at their pace, just has Bob and her sister did for her. Has she made an impact on her children? Bob will say she has. Last week their youngest child was on a workout machine and said: look daddy, I’m getting healthier, I’m exercising, I’m just like mommy”.
You never know who you may be impacting or who may be observing. As Alicia has learned, her journey just isn’t about her, but those who are watching and being motivated by her determination.
Whenever someone starts a sentence with ” I love my family, but”, you know whatever follows isn’t gonna be good. In my case, it is true. I love my husband, our two boys and three dogs with all my heart. Chad is my best friend. He makes me a better person…blah blah blah…you have heard it before and you know exactly where I am going. I am trying to justify what I am going to say in regard to my family, without sounding like an ungrateful bitch.
But let’s do some REAL talk.
Why is it when couples have kids some crazy unidentified expectations come into play? Why is it if HE watches the kids, he is babysitting. Um,first of all, I didn’t have these babies by myself, and it seems like they are just as much YOURS? How is that babysitting? Am I babysitting when I have them 24/7? No? Because they are MY kids? I call BS.
Mom or Maid?
Why there is dirty laundry on the stairs for three weeks before someone picks it up? Of course, that someone is almost ALWAYS ME. Does no one else in this house see it or smell it?
My husband can cook which is a HUGE bonus for our family; but but as a result, every inch of the kitchen is covered with something sticky?
Why is it that NO ONE in this house knows how to do laundry except me? Do we need to have Laundry 101? And boys, your clothes do not magically go from the laundry room to your bedroom. If you are running low on something, it is YOUR job to let me know.
Did you tell me you were out of underwear? No? When I ask for how long and you tell me three days, I am in awe. eww! No, I don’t want to hug you! Get your butt in the shower!
Who taught you to put an empty box back in the pantry…and then question me as to why it isn’t full? Did I know it was empty? Of course not, you put it back in the pantry EMPTY! If I don’t know it is empty, it doesn’t go on the list.
Um, football in the house? I am pretty sure I told all of you to stop throwing the football in the house. When something gets broke, it comes out of YOUR pocket. well, crap, you just nailed me in the face and I am not sure how much that will cost you…good throw though, your arm is really getting strong!
Yes, you can have a puppy. YOU are responsible for training and taking care of her though. Fast forward two years and who walks her? Feeds her? Trains her? Good question.
What’s a day off?
My husband lectured me the other day about wearing myself out. He says I overextend myself and I need to stop doing that.
BWAHAHAHAHAHA
What happens when you take a day off?
This is what I return to…
A never ending amount of dirty dishes that need to be done.
More laundry that needs to be washed and put away.
An alarming amount of vacuuming that needs to happen.
The kids didn’t get their meds.
Or family house is a fricken disaster.
There is no dog food.
And finally, the garage door is broke.
Consequently, I am exhausted.
So, why don’t we take a day off? Because it is hard to relax when we know our work will have doubled in the time we nap. Fortunately my husband is not fanatical about the house being spotless, if he was, he would need to hire a maid. I am pretty sure that title wasn’t in our marriage vows.
Want to do something nice for me honey?
Just a thought, buy me this and take the kids to a movie.
AHHHHHHHHHHH! While you are doing that, I will enjoy two hours of silence with no one to create a disaster…except the puppy and her pals and I can sound them out with some loud tunes. Seems like a win win situation for all of us. After all, when mom is happy, so is her family.
I see what you refuse to acknowledge. It shows in the puffy dark circles under your eyes and the lack of glimmer in eyes that once sparkled brighter than the stars. I notice that you don’t smile as quickly as you once did and your step is not as springy as it used to be. I also notice the hesitation in making eye contact, most likely out of fear that I will talk with you, forcing you to be polite and have a conversation with me. In the time it takes you to look my way, I see all of this.
I recognize the exhaustion and the overwhelming sense of commitment. You are running on fumes, yet you continue to take on more and more in hopes of bringing everything together. You say yes so you will not let others down. You pitch in more so others may do less. You give and give and give and at this moment, you are running on fumes.
I know, because I have been there. Working multiple jobs, had an active social life, continued with ongoing education, attempted to fit in time to work out and tried to make time for my husband. One huge factor is missing, do you know what it was?
Priorities
I didn’t make time for me! Furthermore, I didn’t fill my cup because I was too busy filling everyone else’s.
The truth is, I didn’t focus on myself. My cup was empty. I felt guilty if I took an hour to get my nails done. Followed by feeling guilty for getting a massage. I felt guilty if I told someone no, I couldn’t attend their event because I felt guilty being away from home. My metaphorical cup was on fumes and was way past empty, I couldn’t even energize from the sporadic fumes. When I stopped moving, I was utterly exhausted and I would crash hard. My emotions ran the gamut from being elated and passionate to being pissed off and full of resentment. The smallest occurrence that deviated out of my control could throw me into a fit of rage. Well, when you are as tenuous as I used to be, that “minor” event was enough to bring out the fricken beast in me.
I didn’t even like being with myself, I was so unpredictable. For me, anger surfaces when I feel overwhelmed. Anger is the easiest feeling for me to identify and work through and it has always been a great defense mechanism for me. Looking back, it would have been easier to tell someone no, but that would also open the door for me to disappoint or anger them.
What made me change my priorities?
I became a mother. Becoming a mom forced me to tell others no, as my priorities needed to be at home. Conversely, that means I need to take care of myself and fill my cup with what makes me happy. When mama isn’t happy, no one in the house is happy. Like it or not, I am the one who sets the tone for the day and teaches my boys that they have the power to choose their attitudes. I need to take the time to refill my energies, my passions, and lead by example.
If you pay attention when you are around children, you will begin to learn again through their eyes. You will see the wonder in the world and allow your imagination to wander while exploring the dark places of your past that you haven’t visited in decades. When you are around children, you remember what it is like to ask for what you need and to automatically tune into those needs.
Hungry? Get a snack.
Tired? Take a nap.
Energized? Bounce off the walls (lol, I have boys).
Feeling creative? Draw a picture.
See something beautiful? Share it with others.
Children experience sheer joy at the things adults take for granted every day. As we grow older, we lose site of that ability and often take for granted the healing and restorative impact of the world around us. If a child doesn’t want to go to a friends house to play, they simply say no. If a child doesn’t want to play a specific game with their friends, they talk through it until they compromise. Children freely reach for hugs and openly show affection without fear of rejection.
Fill your cup
Fill your cup, my friend. Don’t allow yourself to get so overwhelmed that you or your glass shatters into a million pieces, making it so much more difficult to refuel. Go for coffee with a friend, take in a movie, ask for date night, get your nails done, read that book. I am giving you permission to say NO to more demands and to let go of any guilt in doing so. You can’t do it all, nor should you. Go out and fill your cup!
In my mind, a wellness warrior is someone who never gives up.
No matter what life throws at them, they brush it off, pull up their boot straps and stand tall, making eye contact with doubt, failure, and adversity.
It is someone who refuses to back down.
It is someone who refuses to stay down.
It is someone who takes their injuries, their surgeries, their letdowns, their grief, and they turn it into something positive.
To me, a wellness warrior is someone who refuses to stay down.
To me, wellness encompasses the physical, spiritual, emotional, and sexual aspects of a person.
In my opinion, to be whole, one must always strive to be healthier in all aspects.
Personally, I have long history of struggling with my own wellness. Prior to being a mom, I never thought twice about what I put into my body, let alone how I cared for myself physically. After having my children at the ages of 39 and 40 put a huge strain on me physically, and while I thank God daily for my boys, my body was not nearly as eager as my heart was for the experiences.
The next five years brought surgery after surgery and injury after injury. Honestly, every time I began a work out regime, I would either end up in the hospital or injured. It would have been easy to say “fxxk it”, I’m done. However, I have two little boys and an amazing husband who depend on me. I owe it to myself to get back into the game and show all of us that I am worth fighting for.
It is a personal decision for each and every one of us. We need to ask our self what wellness warrior means to us. We need to honestly assess whether we are where we want to be, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and sexually, and if not, we need to take the necessary steps to move forward.
After all, you are worth it! However, until you believe that, you will stay where you are.
It comes in waves and affects every person differently.
11 years ago today, my husband and I learned that our daughter had died at 24 weeks and three days. She was still in the womb and I had to be induced for her to enter this world and wait over 24 hours for her to be born. After her birth, I remember the nurse bringing this tine, one pound little girl to me, wrapped tightly in a blanket. .
Chaney Renee was stillborn. I remember looking at her and her little nose turned up, just like mine. I cried as I held her close to my heart and I remember my father in law telling me that when you lose a baby on Earth, you have a baby to rock in Heaven. All I knew was that I hurt desperately and I was going home without my little girl. I didn’t realize until that experience that the hospital put a rose outside my door to signify that we had lost our child. This was their cue to not ask about our baby.
4 1/2 hours after giving birth,my husband and I walked out of the hospital. I had never felt so empty in my life and I remember thinking I would never be happy again. I remember wondering how I could be in the throws of grief while the world went on with their lives. Even walking through Target with my husband was so emotionally difficult, as all I could see were the baby girl clothes that we would never buy. Truthfully, I thought the crying would never stop.
I remember when my husband went back to work, I felt alone and terrified. My anxiety was incredibly high and my grief was overwhelming. I was mourning the loss of our baby, but as my husband explained, it was so much more. We were mourning the death of the dreams we had for her. Our little girl would never grow up and experience everything we, as parents, dreamed for her.
I vividly remember a few weeks later, working with my dad in our basement and painting the walls. My father hated to paint, but he wanted to keep me company, so together we painted. Out of the blue, I began singing, which is something I never thought I would do again. It was at that point, I knew I would be OK…I would never be the same, but I would be OK. God was with us through our journey and I knew our little girl was safely in His kingdom.
This experience helped me in my career as a social worker. I became more empathetic and I understood how a parent would do anything in their power to protect their children. You see, we knew from 12 weeks that Chaney had a genetic disorder. Testing showed she had Turners Syndrome in addition to some other anomalies. We knew she had a small chance for survival. We researched her condition and were given the option to terminate the pregnancy. We chose to let God guide us. Guaranteed that she would not suffer, we let her dictate her path and that allowed me to be as close to her as possible for her short life.
Weekly ultrasounds provided us with pictures of this sweet girl. She continued to be active until the week she was still. At some point within the week, she had passed away and as a mother I was unable to tell. I remember the doctor letting us know that she was gone and we were instantly put on the ward and labor was induced. I called my good friend and chaplain at the hospital I worked with to come and bless her, which he did. She was in God’s arms now and I needed to let her go.
Tomorrow marks the 11th anniversary of her birth. July 22nd will always be a difficult day for me and I rarely talk about this event in our lives, although it was one of the most traumatic times we have experienced.
This little girl taught me grace and empathy. She provided me with the ability to see my boys as gifts and I know she is watching over us as we grow older. When God calls me home, I will have a baby to rock and she will be whole and healthy, waiting with open arms for another hug from her mama.
Recently she was joined by my brother. He was 53 years old and passed away unexpectedly. My husband took the call and I will never forget the look on his face when he told me the news. I was in denial as I asked “Mike who”? My brother was my hero and had been since I was a child. We may not have had much communication, but we didn’t need to. We were five and 1/2 years apart and we were like oil and water. He was a trail blazer and made things happen. I often took and hard paths and walked the line between right and wrong. He never once shunned me and he was always there to support me, even if he didn’t agree with my decisions.
This grief is different. I feel as though I have been kicked in the gut as I look back over the years. My brother was the one who cared for me while my parents worked. He was the one who taught me to ride a motorcycle. He was the one that taught me that I could do anything if I worked hard enough.
He attended my basketball and softball games. He attended my graduations from high school and college. He was there for me to vent. We had plans to meet the day after he died, and through this experience, I have learned that sometimes tomorrow never comes.
This grief is different from the loss of our baby. I have memories with my brother and I watched him grow up and become an amazing husband and father. This loss carries the memories of a lifetime with him and a sadness for what we won’t experience together. He was one of my “rocks” and I hope that I can take what he taught me and help his wife and children through their lives.
To him, I was always the little sister who never grew up, or at least I always felt like that. I watched his children when they were little and I came to love his wife as a sister. She also taught me so much about family and what it means to accept one another. Her parents extended their home and love to me and treated me as family.
This loss was so unexpected. I know that God has a plan that we are not able to understand, and while I struggle with it, I know to trust in Him. While I hurt and sometimes experience waves of uncontrollable grief, I know that we will move forward and learn to live our “new normal” as my friend eloquently explained it.
So, my friends, remember that sometimes tomorrow never comes. Live your life and step out of your comfort zones. Allow yourself to laugh and be silly, as you go through your life. Let yourself impact others and let God work His Grace through you.
