I see you…when the thread unravels…

I see you…when the thread unravels…

by | May 24, 2019 | Fear, grief, Inspiration, mom, Momfail, motivation, parenting, Relationships, self-care, Wellness

I know you

I realize that we may have never actually met in person, but I know you.

I know you because we share the same defeated spirit.  Right now you are wondering if I am fuckin crazy and that’s ok, sometimes I wonder that myself. What I am trying to say is that at some point in our lives we have done too much. We have committed to too many things. At some point in our lives (or maybe multiple times) we have put our needs behind every other person we know. And we are fricken exhausted.

I’m not talking about the can’t move my body because I am so tired exhausted. I mean we are brain weary, I can’t remember what I was going to say let alone why I walked into this room exhausted. Our minds are toast and our soul is screaming for a break. But we don’t give ourselves one because that would lead to feelings of guilt, which would lead to more commitments, which leads to being overwhelmed and the fricken cycle continues and the thread unravels.

The thread unravels

Have you ever tried to thread a needle? Those little needle holes are ridiculous and as you get older it becomes more difficult (I digress). Here’s the thing; if you don’t have the end of the thread bonded together, it begins to unravel. As that thread unravels, each little tiny piece of material becomes it’s own monster and demands attention and before you know it, you have multiple strands everywhere and none are working together.

The only way to fix it is to cut the thread and start again.

Stop. Cut the chords. Start again.

Real Resentment

Additionally, I understand the impromptu anger that comes when you see the dishes on the end table or the socks laying unmatched near the front door. There are times when I think I am the only person who is able to see these items, although I am most assuredly not the one who left them there.

Resentment begins when we feel overwhelmed by the tasks laid before us. Unfortunately, resentment can sneak up on us, even when we are doing things we committed to doing. It isn’t something that we wear proudly, nor is it something we often talk about. I will say it. There are days that I struggle with wishing others would do more so I could do less. Furthermore, I want to stomp my feet and scream at the top of my lungs to “pick up the fuckin socks.” But I don’t and the thread unravels.

Gratitude

For years I didn’t talk about these feelings, as I felt guilty doing so. After experiencing miscarriages and difficult pregnancies, I know what a gift having a baby is. For me, complaining felt like an affront to being a mother. Now I see it differently and realize resentment and gratitude can live together in the same world. When I begin to feel resentful, it is time for me to stop, cut the chords and start again.

It is time to take care of me and ask the family to help out. It’s my job to teach my boys to become independent, not do it all for them. Although sometimes it is so much easier to just do it myself, I realize that isn’t helping any of us. And when everyone begins to pitch in, I feel gratitude overpowering those feelings of resentment.

I see you

So, girl, I see how hard you are working. And recently, I feel as though I have experienced every emotion these past few weeks. Wondering if I am helping my kids make the right decisions… questioning if I am supporting my husband enough… hurting for those around me who are hurting. I have been grateful beyond measure, followed by waves of grief and questioning. Parenting is hard…loving others is hard…watching those you love hurting is hard.

This is for you and hear me as I say this…“You are right where you need to be and you are doing an amazing job. Cut yourself some slack and just be present”. Your expectations of yourself are so much higher than the expectations of those who love you. Say that again and believe it in your soul.
Cindi

 

Uninspired, but still motivated.

Uninspired, but still motivated.

by | Apr 29, 2019 | Fitness, Inspiration, keto, mom, motivation, self-care, Wellness

Uninspired

This is for you, my friend. To the woman who feels frustrated with her wellness. I am writing to the woman who rewards herself with that little piece of candy. Read on if you are the woman who hates looking in the mirror or you are the woman who refuses to have her pictures taken.
This is for you from me...🌟keep going 🌟you are worthy🌟and you are beautiful. Click To Tweet
I was there 11 months ago. Furthermore, I was fit but I wasn’t healthy. As a result, one day I decided to make some positive changes and I wrapped my mind around what I needed to do.
Consequently, nearly one year later, I can proudly show you my progress.

You CAN do this. Above all, I believe in you, even if you don’t believe in yourself quite yet.

My journey

My wellness journey is probably not so different than yours. Seems like I was always petite as a child, slim as a teenager and tiny into my 20’s. Certainly, for those reasons, I could eat what I wanted and while I worked out, I didn’t take my wellness very seriously. Consequently, I didn’t think about my wellness much at all…until my 30’s. 

Life as I knew it began to change as I could no longer eat what I wanted with little or no ramifications. Hence, I began to gain weight and lose muscle tone while the workouts I had been completing were no longer cutting it (pun intended). Ultimately, between grad school and being newly married, the weight kept coming and I felt like I was at a loss to stop it.

Pregnancy does change you

For those reasons, my pregnancies did a huge number on my overall wellness. I was not prepared for the total overhaul my body would go through with each baby, nor was I ready for the hormonal changes that occurred. Please don’t read this as a complaint, as I would not change one thing about my babies; in contrast, I just want to recognize the inability to bounce back as your body truly does change and most likely you will not return to your pre-pregnancy condition.

My stall continues

To be honest, I remember very little about my 40’s. Conversely, while I remember moments, the overall decade remains considerably foggy. Additionally, having my boys at the advanced maternal ages of 39 and 40 resulted in a split pelvis and ongoing hip pain. To complicate matters, I had carpal tunnel surgery on both hands when the boys were both in diapers, followed by injury after injury.

Additionally, I struggled with never-ending shin splints and stress fractures. Ultimately, I endured a complicated hand surgery shortly followed by three abdominal surgeries within 18 months. Because of these situations an ugly cycle of me starting a wellness journey, only to be derailed and starting over began. However, knowing what I do now, I see the error of my ways. First and foremost, I failed to stretch. Although, most importantly, I refused to eat well and I didn’t care what I put into my body.

As my boys grew and became more active, I also made a decision to become more active. Therefore, I empowered myself with knowledge and participated in trial and error. Ultimately, I am determined to be a part of my boy’s lives without just sitting on the sidelines. I want to be involved in their activities, and truth be told, I want to show them how it’s done. 

The defining moment

Even though I had changed my eating habits and carefully chosen my supplements and while I was working out four to five days per week, I was not seeing many positive physical changes. Above all, I knew I was stronger and more fit, however, I was aware that I could improve my overall wellness. Unfortunately, my blood pressure was high and I was still on the heavier side.

My friend asked me if I wanted to join her in the 21-day fix and I vehemently told her no. However, not one month later, I noticed that I was rewarding myself with candy whenever I came home from the gym. HUH. Seriously, it was like a light bulb went off and I decided that I was done.

I adopted the Keto lifestyle, but more importantly, I gave up sugar.

The ramifications? 11 months later and I am down 30 pounds. My joint pain is virtually nonexistent. I am no longer the hangry person I used to be. My dry eye went away. As a result, I have found muscle tone again and I am no longer a slave to the sweet tooth I have always had. 

Empower yourself

I will leave you with my own recommendations to #beabetteryou as I recognize everyone has their own journey to follow:

  1. Stop the comparison game. You are not the same as anyone else and I doubt you know the struggles they have endured, nor do they know yours. Do not, I repeat, do not compare yourself to the other moms, your co-workers, or the women at your gym.
  2. Love yourself. You are worthy of being loved. Treat yourself as you would a best friend who is struggling and grant yourself grace.
  3. Make yourself a priority. GASP. Generally speaking, women often take care of others before we meet our own needs. Ultimately, this backfires on us and we end up feeling exhausted and resentful. If you want to explore this topic more, please read “You can’t pour from an empty cup“.
  4. Ask for help. Reach out to others and ask for guidance. Find a trainer to help you at the gym. So many of us are afraid to step foot inside a gym because we feel overwhelmed and don’t know where to start. Suck it up, buttercup and make that appointment. You will feel empowered when you leave and come back standing tall!
  5. Take pictures. You need to be in the moment, regardless of how critical you are of yourself. Remember that your family and friends love you regardless of how you look, and unlike your impression of yourself, theirs isn’t based on your appearance. Not to mention, this is a huge way to monitor your progress.
  6. Check your hormone levels. So many of the women I know are struggling with hormone and/or thyroid levels. Please note that I am not a medical provider, however, I know from personal experience that both of these can wreak havoc on your body and mind.
  7. Love yourself. Worthy of a repeat. You are beautiful and a scale or a size does not define you. If you are working on your wellness, do it for YOU. The world tells us we need to look or be a certain way and that is ridiculous. I have spent way too much time comparing myself to others and berating myself because I don’t’ look like I think I am supposed to. Embrace who you are in this moment.

I will leave you with this quote: “Courage is moving forward in times of non-motivation.” I receive daily motivation from Constantly Varied Gear, which is a kick-ass group of badass women who are pushing themselves and one another to be their absolute best. I found them on FaceBook. Check it out and let them know I sent you!

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Embracing 50: age is just an illusion

Embracing 50: age is just an illusion

by | Feb 1, 2019 | Dreams, Faith, Fitness, Inspiration, mom, motivation, parenting, Relationships, self-care, Wellness

 

Age is an illusion

Or is it? As a freshman in high school, I thought the seniors were old…and by seniors, I meant the 17 and 18-year-olds!   I would panic when a senior even looked at me and my young self, as the age of 18 was technically an adult! Furthermore, someone in their 20’s was fricken ancient, which made anyone near 50 a senior citizen!  Needless to say, back then, I  was also that woman who was not going to get married, nor was I going to have children. I was going to complete my Ph.D. and take care of the world.

Ah, best-laid plans, right?

My 20’s

This decade was an extension of my teens, albeit while attending college. Looking back, I can’t imagine how I would have prospered if I had actually studied more and partied less. I honestly don’t know where the energy came from, as all I did was worked, studied and went out. Repeat. And repeat again.

The transition to adult employment was less tragic than I would have imagined. It turns out I was pretty good at what I went to school for (who would have thought). And amazingly, I could live easily it up at night and work all day! I moved into my first apartment, purchased a pack of smokes and a six pack and consumed both while sitting in front of my giangantuaous platform tv watching Beverly Hills 90210 (I didn’t smoke, just like the independence). Suddenly, I was a somewhat self-respecting grownup who paid my own bills and was fast realizing that there was more to the world than going out and being social.

My 30’s

As my friends began to settle down, I was still in denial that settling down was for me. I surrounded myself with others who loved to live life to the fullest and enjoy the world. I worked, worked out (less as I began to work more) and went out.  It was during one of those nights out that I picked up the phone and left a message for a long lost crush of mine (yes, it was one of THOSE calls). We all have that “one” that never leaves our mind or our heart. And after dating on and off since we were 16, we made the decision to move forward…together.

This was a challenge for this wild and independent girl. Now I was sharing a bathroom with a boy!  lol And we were making plans for a future…together (gasp)! Thank the Lord that he was patient and understanding because anyone who knows me also understands that I am not the easiest person to be around.

We got a puppy…together…it was the ultimate commitment in my book. That is until he proposed.

My Mid 30’s

Chad and I were married at the same time that some of our friends were getting divorced. It always seemed as though I was in a different life stage than those around me, which was probably true, since I was the one to do things my way. About the time that Chad was settling into his profession, I decided to go to graduate school, still thinking I would pursue my Ph.D. I did get my Master’s; however, I stopped there, as our priorities changed when we had our first son at the age of 39.

For the midwest, 39 is really pretty old to be having a baby. So not only did we endure the whole “Advanced maternal age” comments within my chart, my body was pretty shocked at what I was asking it to do.  This pregnancy knocked me on my ass and bedrest soon took me out of the world, but it was all worth it.

And this woman who wasn’t going to have kids? She became a stay at home mom.

The 40’s

So, if 39 is old to have a baby, our prayers were answered when we had our second son at 40. Truth be told, this decade is a blur. Two babies, four dogs, three moves to two different states and three different homes. Multiple surgeries, multiple injuries, hormone changes, weight changes…blah, blah, blah.

My 40’s were dedicated to my failing body and raising my boys. For someone who was never going to have a family, I can’t imagine my life any other way. I don’t believe we have kids to teach them the ways of the world, I believe we are given children so they can teach us. Watching the world through my children’s eyes is simultaneously amazing and terrifying. These boys reminded me there is more to the world than what I was focusing on, and thank God for that.

This is 50

50 is a time of rebirth for me. The boys are getting older and more active, just like their mom. 50 is when I give myself permission to be selfish and focus on me. It’s time to get back to basics by making my wellness a priority and learning to say no to what doesn’t feel good. It’s a time of discovery and soul searching. If you need help on this journey, please see this previous blog post I wrote.

For me, it’s a time for reflection and asking God where He wants me. After seeing so many of my family members and friends leave too soon, I vow to never take a birthday for granted. Where I used to cry on my birthdays, now I embrace the opportunity for another day with my loved ones. So, thank you, Lord, for your work in me.  I am excited to see where you lead me next as I step out of my comfort zones. After all, God has never left me through this adventure and I trust He knows the next chapter of my story.

I just need to stop trying to take control of the journey.

 

 

5 Easy Steps to #beabetteryou

5 Easy Steps to #beabetteryou

by | Oct 26, 2018 | mom, motivation, parenting, self-care, Wellness

#beabetteryou

As am empowerer, I am often asked how to lose weight, feel better, and/or get in shape. Honestly, the answer is different for everyone. Subsequently, there is no quick fix, magic cure or secret formula. Furthermore, the answer most likely isn’t in what you are doing, rather, it is more likely what you are NOT doing.

Wtf? That doesn’t make any sense, right? Just hang with me here and see where I am going with this.

OVERSCHEDULED

Look at your calendar. Immediately stop what you are doing and look when your next full open hour is.

For many of you, it is late tonight, after the kids are in bed and you have cleaned up the house after a long day. Even more of you may say this weekend after a scheduled event, while others are not open until next Tuesday night at 7:00.

How does looking at your calendar make you feel? Happy? Anxious? Annoyed? Ultimately, the answer to feeling better isn’t to schedule more for others, rather, it is to schedule LESS.  Finally, it is in doing less for others and above all, scheduling more time for you.

5 steps to #BEABETTERYOU

  1. Make yourself a priority. Women have the most difficult time with this one. We are raised to serve others and for that reason, it became the norm to be scheduled every minute of the day. STOP the madness! Repeat after me: you cannot give from an empty cup(read more about this in a previous blog post). Subsequently, if you are constantly doing for others, you will have nothing left in reserves. You have to fill up you in order to help others!
  2. Learn to say NO. Why does telling someone no feel so bad? It isn’t personal, it’s essential. Ultimately, you teach others how to treat yourself and when you can’t learn to say no, and eventually, people will ask you for everything. Sound familiar? Saying no to a few things just means that you will have enough energy and focus for the activities you choose to say yes to.
  3. Sleep. Don’t laugh, I really mean this. Go to bed at the same time every evening and awaken at the same time every day. If you listen to your body, it will tell you how much sleep you need. Your natural circadian rhythms will guide you when you are in tune with them. Hence, sleep deprivation leads to increased stress, increased cortisone levels (think increased belly fat), and increased crankiness and furthermore, none of these situations create a pleasant person. Undeniably, that project will still be there tomorrow morning, and you will certainly have a fresh pair of eyes and a clear mind to see it for what it is.
  4. Increase your water intake. Unfortunately, that coffee doesn’t count as water, nor does that wine. Above all, water is essential to maintain hydration levels, improve digestion and can keep you feeling fuller for longer periods of time. While in contrast, too little water keeps you feeling sluggish and may give you headaches. Ideally, you should aim for ½ of your body weight in ounces per day.
  5. Put yourself on your schedule (in pen). Open your calendar again and schedule time at the gym. Make a nail appointment. Get a massage or try a float at the local Float Center. Get back to nature with Fido for a nice long walk. The fresh air will work wonders on your tired body and soul.

Let it Go

The world will go on without your hand in everything…and people will still like you and ask you to participate in activities. Saying no doesn’t make you less of a servant. It creates a strong foundation for which you can serve.

“In today’s rush, we all think too much – seek too much – and forget about the joy of just being: – Eckhart Tolle

Hormones – It’s not all in your head!

Hormones – It’s not all in your head!

by | Sep 30, 2018 | Fitness, Inspiration, mom, Wellness

 

What is wrong with me?

Fatigue. Mental Fog. No libido. Disappearing lean muscle. Do any of these sound familiar?

I am talking about real fatigue, like the kind where you can’t keep your eyes open in the afternoons, even after laying in bed for 8 hours the previous night. Notice I didn’t say you slept the previous night, and chances are you weren’t having sex either, because you are just so fricken exhausted!

And mental fog? Listen, I know that we all walk into a room and forget why we went in, but this kind of mental fog is a tad more extreme...its the kind where you need your vitamins in a daily display case so you can remember if you… Click To TweetIt’s the  check your toothbrush kind to see if it’s wet because you can’t remember if you already brushed your teeth today.

Let’s be real, as much as you love your son’s overstuffed bear, you really don’t want to BE ONE. Where in the F__K is all the fluffiness coming from? You work out, you eat well and the muscle keeps melting away. You have a whole closet full of clothing that you can’t wear and you really don’t want to purchase the bigger sizes.

WTF?

My story

While my story may begin differently than yours, my frustration may be the same. I had my children at the ages of 39 and 40 (gasp). Following the birth of my second child, I had surgery on both of my hands…shortly after I healed, I began working out and kept injuring myself; which derailed me every time I started getting momentum. It also left me feeling defeated.

Within 18 months, I had three abdominal surgeries, including a hysterectomy and the recovery was awful. Actually, I am not sure I ever fully recovered from that final surgery. I was depressed, fluffy, exhausted and unhappy. Once again, I was determined to work out and signed up for a 5K. I began training with a friend and dropped some weight…until I experienced two stress fractures from carrying my child down a mountain in the rain…

Right?

Soon after, I began experiencing planar fascitits and after 18 months of therapy that included a boot, injections and physical therapy, they wanted to perform surgery.  Additionally, I had been experiencing extreme joint inflammation and I just fricken hurt. I HURT ALL THE TIME. My doctor took a blood panel, which showed a high ANC so she sent me to a neurologist, who diagnosed me with fibromalygia. I knew within my whole being that there was something else going on.

Hormones

Keep in mind, during these years, I was still a wife, a mom, and freelancer however I was exhausted. I could fall asleep anytime I sat down and my hips and joints just hurt. So I did some research and found a new doctor who took one look at me and tested my hormone levels. Turns out my testosterone was a whopping 17(that’s very very low, my friend). No wonder I was fluffy, exhausted and in pain.

After some research, I began taking bioidentiacal hormes and within two weeks, I was no longer needing an afternoon nap.  It took some time, but I began to feel like a real person again. Granted, there are some days that I feel better than others, but isn’t that with all of us?  I didn’t expect miracles, I just wanted to feel good again.

It’s not all in your head

As a trainer and empowerer, I am appalled at how many women struggle with this and are never given proper information. So many of us are given medications, instructed to eat less or told to work out more. All any of that does is bandage the problem. Honestly, when I was first introduced to bioidentiacal hormones, I was skeptical. However research shows that we lose our ability to create hormones with each decade…and as we are living longer, that often leads us to living miserably also.

Unfortunately, not every practitioner is open to testing for hormones, which in turn can be frustrating. Furthermore, even when they do test, insurance companies rarely cover the cost of bio identical hormones. I know women who have gone to physician after physician and have been diagnosed with a multitude of ailments, without ever having their hormone levels tested, let alone talked about.

Additionally, not all physicians test the same hormones, nor are the optimal levels consistent. No wonder we are all confused, right? And we can become peri menopausal in our 30’s, which may cause a change in hormones while we look completely fine. Rest assured my friend, it isn’t all in your head. If you know that something isn’t right, keep asking questions and demanding further testing. You deserve to look and feel your best at every age and you can’t pour from an empty cup.

 

What I learned about Keto in 50 days

What I learned about Keto in 50 days

by | Jun 28, 2018 | Fitness, keto, mom, motivation, self-care, Wellness

I did something last month.

I drastically changed my way of eating (woe) by cutting carbs and eliminating sugar.

Yes, I went Keto and it isn’t something I did lightly. As with most things I fall in love with, I am initially skeptical. So, I researched, I talked to my practitioner, I connected with some good Keto pals…and I fricken went for it.

Why?  Because I was in pain. I ate too much sugar.  I experienced drastic mood swings. Because I was just plain tired. The final straw was when I jokingly admitted to the people I was training that I dipped my girl scout cookies into my protein shakes. Click To Tweet Yes, it was a joke, but it really happened and it happened often.

I had a problem and I needed an intervention. I already worked out and was developing lean muscle. I was taking my supplements. I still felt like shit.

What I learned in my first 50 days of Keto

  1.  I am an emotional eater.  I  often reached for food when I wasn’t hungry.  It became a habit. It was one of the first things I did upon walking through the door.  Just as I would remove my shoes, I would reach for something sweet.  If I was bored, I would walk into the kitchen and search aimlessly for something that spoke to me. If I awoke in the middle of the night, I would grab a snack; not because I was hungry, but because I was awake and I wanted something to soothe my restless soul.
  2. I was addicted to sugar. Trust me, this is a real thing. I used to joke that I would dip my girl scout cookies into my protein shake…however, the truth is, that wasn’t a joke. I loved the bite-sized Snickers and could rationalize the small size meant fewer calories AND the peanuts were protein. It’s amazing the games we play with our own minds.
  3. I needed the support from others. While I chose to jump into this lifestyle, I truly needed the knowledge and support from others. Not only does that keep you accountable, it creates a reality check. I would reach out to my girlfriend and continuously ask questions and bounce things off of her. I checked into several FB groups often, just to make sure I was on the right track.  I also utilize a pretty cool app called Senza, to track my macros (look, I got the lingo down).
  4. It was easier than I thought it would be. I really don’t miss anything at all.  I still eat pizza, however now I eat the toppings, after all, that’s the good part anyway. I eat pickle and lettuce sandwiches. I eat natural peanut butter and sugar-free chocolate chips. I absolutely admit to being a work in progress, however, I am open to learning, so I guess you CAN teach an old dog new tricks!
  5. I feel AMAZING!  My inflammation is gone. My bloating is gone. I am down 15 pounds and can fit into clothing I haven’t worn for years. My energy level is good and I no longer suffer from carb naps or sugar spikes.

It isn’t for everyone

I am not a clinician. I would not suggest everyone do this. I am a mom who wanted to take control of her life and reign in the poor habits. My favorite daily treat was a smoothie at Juice Stop that I thought was healthy. That smoothie had over 40 carbs in it, therefore I suffered a carb crash every afternoon and had to have something to energize me. The roller coaster was awful and I could not get stabilized.

As I previously mentioned, I did reach out to my clinician and she approved it. She agreed that it would help even out my hormone levels and eliminate my sugar spikes. While I have received some negative feedback from concerned friends, the majority of people have been very supportive. ON a side note, I refuse to call this a diet as that word connotates such negativity in my mind and once I say I am on a diet, I play horrible head games with myself. This is a lifestyle and this is my lifestyle choice.

Some things the helped the transition

My company had recently launched some Keto products. Of course I was skeptical, however, I did try them. (I like to try everything we have so I can guide others on their own journey). Surprisingly I loved the Keto Coffee. It fills me up all morning and gives me incredible energy! With the grass-fed butter, collagen, and MCT Oil already built in, all I have to do is dump it in cold water, froth and enjoy.

Additionally, when you adopt this lifestyle, you will go through the Keto Flu. I now know that you need to increase your electrolytes, which can be done with Himalayan Sea Salt and/or Mio Sport (some people balk at this, however, since this is my blog, this is my opinion).  Drink your electrolytes as it will help tremendously! While you will feel like shit for awhile, this too shall pass and it will be worth it.

Take before and after pics and measure! I didn’t do either, so do what I suggest, not what I did, lol. You will be amazed at how much your body will change. The scale may move quickly initially as your body releases water from your fat cells, however, this too will slow down as you become fat adapted.

As you see your progress, you will become more motivated for success. My husband has supported me on this journey and is slowly adapting to my way of eating. Admittedly, it is a drastic change in thought process, as you have to let go of all the “truths” you have believed for years, but it is so worth it. The bottom line is that I feel more confident, more energetic and happier…and at the end of the day, isn’t that what we all want?

What are your thoughts?  I would love to know what has worked for you and what you need help with!  Email me and let’s chat!